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Crossing The Line: The Best Impact Wrestling Review On The Whole F’N Planet 6/9/2011

Crossing The Line: The Best Impact Wrestling Review On The Whole F’N Planet 6/9/2011

by THE INFAMOUS JCITY™

It’s been a while since I have reviewed Impact Wrestling. So why am I reviewing Impact when I could have reviewed Smackdown? It’s because wrestling matters. The last time I checked WWE wasn’t the end all be all when it comes to professional wrestling. I have been watching TNA for a few years now and I must say that I do enjoy their brand of wrestling. I know the IWC likes to hate on everything that’s not affiliated with WWE, but if they took the time to watch the show instead of ripping it in order to seem cool and fit in with the rest of the online savages they would realize that Impact Wrestling can be a good wrestling show which sometimes tops RAW in overall entertainment value. Yeah, I said it and what? Anyways, this used to be my most disrespectful and vulgar review out of the bunch. Before wrestling mattered, TNA’s slogan was “Crossing The Line”. I took that to heart and made sure I pushed the envelope on my Impact reviews. I have toned it down for this site though since I tend to force it and I want to expose Impact Wrestling in a positive light. I know, shocker. Mostly every TNA review I read is some negative bullshit based on Hogan/Bishoff/Russo hate bias, but I don’t give 2 shits about who books the show, I just write about the entertainment presented to me. So without further ado let’s cross the line because WRESTLING MATTERS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!

A video package highlighting last weeks public firing of Mick Foley was shown.

Hulk Hogan, WE COMING FOR YOU NIGGA!!!!! Sorry, but I couldn’t help it. Everytime I see or hear the name Hulk Hogan my mind just reverts back to that epic Booker T promo.  Anyways, Hogan comes out wearing a blue bandanna. He has desecrated on his long time allegiance to the Bloods (proven by the numerous red bandannas Hulkie has worn throughout his career) and now he’s officially down with the Crips. Word has it that he was spotted smoking weed with famous Crip member Snoop Dogg before this episode aired. I guess it’s safe to say that Booker T might have been on to something when he called Hogan the dreaded N-word. I don’t care what anybody says though, Hulk Hogan is still one of the greatest wrestling personalities of all time and he never has to wrestle another day in his life to prove it. Gang allegiances aside, there is no way you can tell me that if he wrestled again he wouldn’t make a real IMPACT (or at least quench my thirst for everything nostalgia). Of course, it would be 100% better if it happened in the WWE, but I would still mark the fuck out regardless. If he so happens to throw out his back during the match, then that wouldn’t take away from his legacy, let alone the historic nature of his in-ring return. Maybe it will be historic for all the wrong reasons, but it would be a historic moment nonetheless.

Anyways, Hogan is happy that he can finally see eye to eye with The Network. Mick Foley was starting to become a cancer that ate away at Immortal’s plans of total domination so he is ecstatic to finally have the cancerous tumor removed from his side once and for all. Of course when you see Hogan you are guaranteed that Bicho isn’t too far behind and by Bicho, I mean Eric Bicho. By the way, Bicho is Spanish for cock, dick, penis, shlong, tally whacker, trouser snake, shaft, magic stick, one-eyed Willie, skin flute, wiener, unit, pecker, prick, pud, choad, dong, wang, so on and so forth, and it’s a millions time easier to type and way more fun to say than Bishoff. Anyways, Bicho is glad that they can finally agree with The Network and that wrestling matters to him. He says that The Network has made it clear that the X-Division is one of Impact Wrestling’s main draws and Bicho agrees. He wants to keep the integrity of the show so he says that he will do his best to present the X-Division in a fair and balance manner and move the company forward. Bicho is starting to feel a bit lonely, so what does a Bicho do when it needs company? Well, it calls out an orrifice and out comes Impact Wrestling’s biggest asshole, Mr. Anderson. Sting also comes out and Hogan and Bicho address the men that will face each other this Sunday at the Slammiversary PPV main event.

Hogan thanks both men for coming out, then he takes credit for rebranding the company because wrestling matters. Wait, didn’t Mick Foley introduce the “Wrestling Matters” slogan? I would hate to believe that Hulk Hogan would take credit for others people’s work, but then again I also have a hard time believing that “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan is a lying, cheating, dispicible, wife swapping, slightly racist, homophobic dopehead. I guess I will just have to accept the truth about one of my all time favorite wrestlers, but I’m not here to judge anyone on their personal life. I’m here to talk about what is currently presented to me on my 42 inch LG LCD HD TV. Anyways, Hogan says that he has given The Network his word that he will run Impact Wrestling in the most professional manner possible. He promised that at Slammiversary there would be a winner and a loser. No tricks, no gimmicks, no agendas, no run-ins, no mothers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles or anybody else related to them coming down and interfering in the biggest main event in the history of Impact Wrestling. He then lets Anderson and Sting sell Slammiversary’s main event which can be seen this Sunday live on Justin.TV PPV.

Asshole wastes no time in letting Sting and everyone else know that he is only in business for himself. He explains that he has mocked and imitated Sting as a joke because everything the Stinger stands for is a joke. All he wants is the damn title so he vows to get his hands raise this Sunday at Slammiversary, where he will become champion… champion. Sting is flabbergasted. Bewildered. Besides himself. In awe. He simply cannot believe the Asshole’s audacity. The sewage the Asshole is spewing out of its stinking little rectum rubs Sting the wrong way. The Stinger quickly lets the Asshole know what he is getting himself into. Sting is a certified legend and the reigning TNA World Heavyweight Champion or is it Impact Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion? I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care, the point is that Sting is the top dog and he will not be intimidated by anyone. He says he will win at Slammiversary because he cannot and will not lose. Sting believes that the championship is the only thing keeping Hogan and Bicho from making a complete mockery of the company and he cannot allow that to happen. As long as he has the title Sting feels that he has enough stroke to make a positive impact on Impact Wrestling.

Sting promises to never leave the company until he either runs Hogan and Bicho out of Impact Wrestling forever or until the real Hulk Hogan stands up again. Sting wants Hulk to stop being a little bitch and get back to his true fucking roots. HULKAMANIA BROTHER!!!! He reminds Hogan of a time where everyone used to idolize him. He feels Hogan slapped all the fans in the face by turning his back to them and he wants to be the one to slap Hogan right in the face to return the favor and knock him back into reality. Sting then gets down to business and says what the IWC has been saying for years, he says that Bicho is an infection that history says breeds a slow and miserable death. Sting wants Hulk to grab the proverbial scalpel and cut away the Cancer that is Eric Bicho. I don’t see Hogan doing it though. He gets paid a hefty sum to stand around and talk with Bicho. I wish I can make a nice salary by just standing around and talking a bunch of bullshit. One day…

Do you know what my favorite part of  TNA Impact Wrestling is? The actual abundance of T and A. I can’t help it, I fucking love titties and ass!! If Chyna can be a highly sought after Pornstar then all these bitches can easily be Porn Mega-Superstars. Word. Who says that female wrestlers can’t do porn simultaneous to their wrestling careers? I remember a time when WWE Divas used to appear nude in Playboy and still managed to have a somewhat respectable career while still wrestling, so why are promoters against actual porn? I mean, c’mon, these woman are consistently booked to act and look like airheaded hookers so why knock them for being professional airheaded hookers? Millions of people look at pornography on a daily basis, so my thinking would be more along the lines of, if my show only did 1.1 ratings on a consistent basis, with Knockouts segments usually being the highest rated, wouldn’t I use the Knockouts in porn to cross promote my company and have those fans check out their favorite cumdumpsters wrestling on Impact Wrestling every week? I think that can help ERECT the ratings if you will.

Anyways….

Angelina Love and Winter vs Tara and Mickie James

Angelina Love can fucking get it all day. Even with the zoned out, coked out, strung out on heroin zombie look she has going on, there is no denying that she is a bad bitch. Her body is super tight. I bet her vagina has a kung fu grip, and DEM TITS!!!!!! Man, those tits are fucking amazing. I would beat them like some bongos with my dick if I had a chance. As for the rest of the Knockouts, Tara looks as good as she ever did. She’s always had a look that I gravitated to and she has always been one of the strongest most dominating women I have ever seen step foot in a wrestling ring mate. I wish you can read that last part in a British accent. I just blew my mind. I don’t think I should be doing these reviews when I’m high as fuck. I’m so high I can kiss the sky, where the fuck is Miss Testies I would so bust in her eye. [||] Pause, but yo that bitch got the loveliest of all asses. Tessmacher is a delicious specimen. I’m not really into the act of cunnilingus, but I would bend her over and eat that from behind as those lovely buttcheeks jiggle all up on my face. Fuck, that would be so damn hot. Muy fucking caliente. Oh and I’m not really high, I just wanted to set up that line 🙂 As for Mickie James, I have already seen her in all her glory and would love to see more. I’m telling you, if these Knockouts were in porn cross promoting Impact Wrestling, they would always blow (pun intended) WWE out of the water when it cums (this one too) to ratings. Someone had asked me what the deal was between Angelina Love and Winter so let me explain it the best way I can. Angelina Love is a zombie and in order to survive, she drinks the blood from Winter’s vagina. It’s an extremely graphic image, but it’s an important sacred lesbianic ritual and who am I to argue with a sacred lesbianic ritual. Let’s be honest, that image is fucking hot regardless of its vile and disgusting nature. As for the actual match, I’m just glad that these woman get more time to display their skills than their WWE counterparts do. Wrestling matters and these woman put on quite a show. Maybe I’m just mesmerized by the amount of boobage in the match, but can you really blame me? After all I am Team Hetero. Anyways, Madison Rayne comes out and beats Tara’s ass, sending her bitch ass into the steel steps, all while Mickie James was trying to tag her in. This allowed Angelina Love to hit some backbreaker drop thingy. Angelina then chokes out Mickie James until Winter pulls her off.

Winners: Angelina Love and Winter

Backstage segment is shown with Beer Money and Alex Shelley. Robert Roode is worried about his Tag Team Championship. Since he is injured, Alex Shelley will fill in for him since Chris Sabin from The Motor City Machine Guns is also injured. Both teams have had fantastic matches against each other and have earned each others respects so while the pairing may seem odd, it actually has the chance of working out since both men are already familiar with each others styles. Beer Money or better yet, Gun Money, will defend the Tag Team Championships against The British Invasion at Slammiversary so Robert Roode shows concern over his championship being lost. James Storm reassures his partner that the belt will be waiting for him when he returns.

Bully Ray issues an open challenge to the Impact Wrestling roster.

They hype up a bar fight. I read about this earlier so no spoilers until I get to that point of the show. AIGHT? Aight.

Mexican America is shown backstage. Hernandez is mad because the gringos said that they would get a shot at the champions at Slammiversary, but now the match is no more. Anarquia tells us to look at his bitches. Rosita and Sarita are the Womans Tag Team Champions. He says that it’s only a matter of time before he and Hernandez hold TNA Tag Team gold.

Ha, that was the greatest thing I have seen in wrestling in a long time. Real simulated VIOLENCE!!!! Fuck yea, Samoa Joe beat the shit out of Crimson at a bar. Straight up caught him sleeping and rocked his shit. Crimson never stood a chance. It was a one man ambush. Crimson got cracked over the head with a stainless steel napkin holder, he got his head slammed on an occupied table and then he got thrown on a stack of chairs. Samoa Joe stays punching away the whole time this is going on making this a 5 star ass whooping segment. More of this please 🙂

Jeff Jarrett  makes his arrival and the cameraman asks him about the whereabouts of Karen Angle. Jeff pays him no mind and just walks aways.

Still to come, Mr. Asshole and Gunner vs Sting and Eric Young.

Oh shit, The British Invasion joins the announce team. I though these lads were dead. Even though I haven’t seen too much of Magnus, I will say that Douglass Williams is an awesome pure wrestler. He should still be going for the X-Division Championship instead of fucking with the yet unproven Magnus.

YO!!!! Mexican America up in the bitch!!! This theme is fucking banging. Gun shots, loud hip hop music, what’s not to love? Mmm, they got Sarita La Mamacita. Damn, there is so many things I would do to that woman if giving the chance. I know there was this gay ass former WWE Creative writer that said Sarita was ugly. What’s his name again? Tom Pimarini? Carl Timaniri? I don’t fucking remember his fucking name. I guess it wasn’t creative enough. Moving on, Gun Money comes out. [||]Pause…(grabs beer and lets off a few shots).

Mexican America vs Gun Money

Ok, I’ve been getting sidetracked every time I talk about a match so I’m going to try and do play by play action like I used to do back in the dizay. Anarquia gets the advantage over Shelley early on. Anarquia tries to irishwhip Shelley into a corner, but Shelley reverses. Shelley hits his foe with an armdrag and gets him down. He then elbows him in the throat, jumps up and double stomps on his stomach. Ouch. He goes for the pin, but only gets two. He tries again, but no dice. Shelley tags in James Storm. Storm rains down a jumping knee drop on Anarquia’s face. Storm then jumps up and BAMMM, a jumping leg drop from out of nowhere!!! He gets a 2 count and makes the tag to Shelley. They double team the fuck out of Anarquia. Storm even does a spot where he hits the ropes hard, but only pokes Anarquia in the eyes. That was kinda funny. Hernandez comes in, but Shelley gives him a few kicks before Storm hits him with a codebreaker. BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOWN!!!!! Oh wait, wrong show. Anyways, Storm slams Anarquia down, Shelley goes up top, but is thwarted by Hernandez. Anarquia takes advantage and tags in Hernadez who comes in with a slingshot shoulderblock. He goes for the pin, but Shelley kicks out. Hernandez tags Anarquia back in. They are working well as a cohesive unit and so is Gun Money, I just felt like throwing that out there, but I digress. Hernadez splashes Shelley in the corner and Anarquia executes an over the head underhooked suplex on Shelley. He tags Hernandez back in and they start dominating this match. Hernadez goes for the high risk, misses and now the complexion of the match has changed. Shelley tags in Storm, but somehow Hernadez manages to tag in Anarquia. Storm’s tag was hotter so he quickly takes control of the match. He hit a sweet DDT on Anarquia. Hernadez and Shelley are now in the  ring also. Storm clotheslines Hernandez out of the ring and SKINS THE CAT!!!!! Wow, how the fuck did Storm’s fat ass pull that off? I’m impressed. Storm gets on the ropes and Shelley flies between his legs and dives on Hernandez. Trust me, it doesn’t look as gay as it sounds. Storm takes Anarquia down and pins him, but Sarita and Rosita distract the ref. Roode passes Storm a beer so he takes a swig and spits it in the Knockout’s faces. Anarquia tries to capitalize, but Shelley turns him around and SUPERKICKS STORM”S MOTHERFUCKING HEAD OFF!!!! Holy fuck, the future of Gun Money doesn’t look as good as it did just a few seconds ago. Viva la raza!!! I’m now in the mood for some fucking tacos and burritos. I had a $2 burrito when I was on the go earlier and that shit was fucking delicious

Winners: Mexican America

Gunner is shown backstage with Impact Wrestling’s resident asshole. The Assmatic Superstar tries to focus Gunner’s attention on Sting. He thinks that Gunner’s current storyline is funny, but today he needs to stay focused on getting the job done. Asshole tells Gunner that he could be his best friend or his worse enemy. They fist bump each other into finger explosion agreement.

Kurt Angle is shown backstage making his way into the Impact Zone.

A video package is shown with Impact Wrestling wrestlers saying that wrestling matters. Fuck yea it does.

Mexican America are now in Hulk Hogan’s office and they demand answers. Anarquia thought that Hogan said they were all playing on an even playing field. He demands to know why Mexican America doesn’t have a title shot. He feels that they are not shown the respect they feel they deserve because they are Mexican. Hogan goes into defense mode and cuts Anarquia off before he can call him a racist. Hogan is pissed and says that nobody owns them any favors so they better get out of his face before he turns into the real life terminator and has his ways with their ladies. Hernandez said that Hogan is going to get his when he least expects it.

A video package highlighting the Kurt Angle vs Jeff Jarrett feud is shown. They will face each other at Slammiversary. Karen Angle won’t be there to interfere and Kurt’s Olympic Gold Medals are on the line.

Jeff Jarrett  comes out without his wife Karen. Oh Karen, how much do I miss thee. You are such a queen. One that should be serviced in return for your services, or orifices. Yes mam, I would like a piece of pie if I may. Oh don’t delay. See you when you get back sugardumplims 🙂 [||]Pause… Trust me, it might seem embarrassing to say stupid shit like that, but alot of women love that kinda shit and if they don’t, just whip out your dick. Things have a way of working themselves out. Just remember, if she says no, PUT IT BACK IN YOUR PANTS, JOKINGLY APOLOGIZE, THEN NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. If you are respectable enough, and she enjoyed looking at your penis, you will still have a chance of hitting it down the line. Anyways, Kurt Angle comes out and comes face to face with his long time nemesis. Jarrett seems vexed as he reassures Angle that his slutty ex-wife will not be at the PPV this Sunday. Jarrett also seems concern over what Angle might do to him at Slammiversary. He then brings up the fact that if it wasnt for him, Angle would never be in TNA to begin with. He acknowledges that WWE made a huge mistake by letting Angle go and he pats himself on the back for scooping him up. Jarrett also acknowledges that Kurt Angle is the best in-ring performer that wrestling has ever produced. Jeff says he stepped aside so that Angle could become the focal point of the company, but feels slighted because he has never gotten as little as a simple thank you from Kurt. Jeff says that all he got was a self-serving, egomaniacal son of a bitch that was never happy enough with his position in the company. Jeff  felt like that was a slap in the face so he helped himself to his ex-wife’s vagina. Since Jeff feels unappreciated he felt like he had to take everything Kurt ever loved as a way to punish him. He took his wife, he took his kids and if he ever felt like it, he will take his jerb. Jeff wants to be a better wrestler than Kurt ever was. He feels like he hasn’t taken enough from Kurt so he wants his gold medal. Jeff says he is and will always be the better man. Angle thanks Jeff for doing the one thing that nobody has been able to do, and that is take Karen out of his life for good. All Kurt has ever wanted was to have a one on one match against Jeff. He is not happy about Karen’s injury, but that is not on his hands. Kurt doesn’t want to waste another word on him, at Slammiversary he will show Jeff how real this really is.

One dirty bitch is shown backstage. What?…  That’s what ODB stands for. I swear to it. Maybe she has a funky monkey clit twat pussy cunt. Anyways, she got some tig ole biggiums so I mentioned her on Twitter and said;

If I had the opportunity to play with @TheODBBAM titties I would blow the biggest load on them bitches BAMMM. 

But yeah, ODB is back to to get rid of all the sluts in Impact Wrestling. Because wrestling matters, not sluts. Sluts are bad.

Kazarian and Brian Kendrick are shown walking backstage. Kazarian has Abyss’s long-lost love Janice in hand. He wonders what type of person would sit around and build such a weapon of mass destruction. Kaz says that Abyss is the type of guy that lights himself on fire for fun, rolls around in barbwire and shots his own dad. Kendrick laughs and says that the way Kazarian described Abyss makes him seem like his type of guy and that maybe they should just go up to Abyss and ask him why he built the monstrosaurus weapon.

Bully Ray comes out wielding a chain. He snatches the mic from Christy Hemmi, calls her a useless bimbo, then tells her that her cover of Playboy sucked. Ouch, I beg to differ. Anyways, Ray starts cutting a promo on AJ Styles hyping up their Last Man Standing Match at Slammiversary. He says AJ can’t win because it’s a last MAN standing match. He thinks of AJ as a little boy. Ray is feeling extra froggish so he eagerly leaps into an open challenge against any of the punk bitches in the back. Any man can accept the challenge, except that piece of crap Devon.

RVD’s music hits. The Whole Fucking Show accepts the challenge.

Open Challenge: Bully Ray vs RVD

The match starts as soon as RVD goes to the ropes and celebrates. Ray takes advantage and brings RVD down to the mat. Bully doesn’t get paid by the hour so he is trying to end this match as soon a possible. They start slugging it out, but Ray straight up dominated RVD. He chopped RVD in the corner so hard that I’m sure he swelled up his areola. RVD starts a comeback and tries to monkey flip Ray from the top turnbuckle, but Ray pushes him off. Ray then delivers a strong clothesline in the corner as he says that RVD might as well be AJ Styles at this point. Bully then drops numerous elbows on RVD’s chest. AJ Styles is then shown in the crowd. Ray notices him and asks if he is trying to get in his head. Ray turns back to RVD, but he is so distracted by AJ that RVD back body drops him. Ray took his eyes of the ball for a minute so he gets kicked for his troubles and then he gets hit by a perfectly executed 5 Star Frogsplash. 1, 2, 3. I guess AJ Styles did get in Bully Rays mind.

Winner: RVD

Velvet Sky is shown backstage and it looks like she doesn’t appreciate what ODB has been saying about her character. Velvet rips on ODB’s gimmick of slapping her tits and crotch while yelling BAMMM!!!! Velvet thinks that is lame. The sight of Velvet has erected my penis. Moving on…

Still to come, Mr. Asshole and Gunner vs Sting and Eric Young.

They show footage courtesy of Sky News about Kurt Angle’s participation in the 2012 Olympics. Angle will be competing for another Olympic gold medal as he wrestles for the United States at the ripe old age of 43. Angle feels confident and says that he realistically thinks he has a chance of winning the gold again. I too feel like he will excel at Olympic style wrestling. Shit, he is still among the best pound for pound professional wrestlers in the world today. He still has it and I see him dominating the Olympics. I usually don’t pay too much attention to the Olympics, but I will be following the wrestling to see if Kurt Angle can win the gold again.

Kazarian and Brian Kendrick are shown walking backstage and they finally come face to face with the monster Abyss. Abyss is reading from the Sun Tzu “Art Of War” book which is a damn good book. I would also recommend the “48 Laws Of Power”, but I digress. Abyss smells fear and quotes Sun Tzu. “He who knows when he can fight and when he can not will be victorious.” He notices that Kazarian is holding Janice, he says Janice was a beautiful woman, but he no longer needs her. All he needs is the powerful words written by Sun Tzu, his heart and his newly christened Extreme Championship. That’s right. Abyss has declared his X-Division Championship defunct and is ushering in the Extreme Championship Era. Abyss says that no country has ever benefited from a prolonged war so he declares the X-Division dead because in the art of war the only way to take control is to take over your enemies possessions whole and intact. If he just destroys the belt what would be the fun in that? He says that they have nothing to gain by fighting right there and then so he books himself in an Extreme Championship Match at Slammiversary against both Kaz and Kendrick. Kaz thinks Abyss is an idiot while Kendrick now views Abyss is a misunderstood poet. Quite like the author of this review.

The announcers run down the Slammiversary 9 card which goes:

Scott Steiner vs Matt Morgan

Samoa Joe vs The Undefeated Crimson

Knockouts Championship Match: Angelina Love vs Mickie James (c)

Tag Team Championship Match: The British Invasion vs James Storm and Alex Shelley ~ Gun Money (c)

Last Man Standing Match: Bully Ray vs AJ Styles

The Final Battle. Winner is the new number 1 contender. If Jeff Jarrett wins he gets Kurt Angles Olympic gold medals. Jeff Jarrett vs Kurt Angle

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Mr. Anderson vs Sting

ODB vs Velvet Sky

ODB enters the Impact Zone through the side ramp. Since “she is not under TNA contract” she gets no proper entrance access or music. Velvet Sky comes out right after her and ambushes the big tittied behemoth. Last week on Impact Wrestling, OBD beat up Velvet Sky for being all slutty so Velvet Sky wastes no time in using the steeps on the ramp against ODB. Velvet is all business. Not one pigeon has been let loose all night. Velvet walks ODB down the ramp, but ODB counters by pushing Velvet into the steel steps found at ringside. ODB slides Velvet into the ring and demands that the ref ring the damn bell. She goes for an instant pin, but only manages to get a measly two count. The dirty bitch starts pounding her opponent in frustration. Velvet tries to make a comeback, but is over powered by ODB who sends Velvet crashing into the turnbuckles as she unleashed a few shoulderblocks on Velvet’s midsection. ODB beats Velvet into the opposite corner. The ref tries to physically intervene in this match as he forces ODB off Velvet. ODB argues with the ref before she stomped a mudhole on Velvet. She then proceeded to walk the mudhole dry. Taz then says ODB reminds him of some wild freaky monkey from the Zoo. Weird. Velvet ends up mounting a comeback after ODB starts arguing with the ref again. Velvet Sky sure hulked the fuck up because now she is returning the beatdown she has just received all match and is laying the motherfucking smackdown on ODB. ODB catches Velvet and slams her back first into the ring post to finally stop her momentum. Nice fall away slam by ODB. ODB kips up and slaps her cunt. She then chokes the fuck out of Velvet, but Velvet drops her with a DDT for the win.

Winner: Velvet Sky

I must say that Impact Wrestling has a better grasp on womans wrestling, unlike the WWE.

Eric Young and Sting are shown backstage. Eric wants to challenge Sting for this World Heavyweight Championship and merge it with the old TNA World Heavyweight Championship and the TNA World Television Championship he so currently possesses. He wants to consolidate the belts and be the first Intergalactic, All Planetary, Everything, Super Supreme Champion. Sting asks Eric if he has seen the backstage interview where Gunner and Anderson went over their plans of destroying Sting. Eric starts rambling about watching season 3 of “Who’s The Boss” before Sting sits him down and tells him to drop the comedy act and bring out his inner competitor. Sting says that he always believed that Eric was the brightest star in the company. He believes in Eric and needs him to be on his A game in the main event.

TNA was nice enough to show us the progression of the “The Pope” D’angelo Dinero/Devon black on black violence program shown on their international show Explosion. Devon doesn’t appreciate The Pope getting involved with his family and promises the demise of The Pope.

Mr. Anderson and Gunner vs Sting and Eric Young

Ah shit, Its main event time. I love how JB gets his Michael Buffer on and introduces the wrestlers. It adds a big match feel which sometimes lacks from wrestling today. Eric Young kinda reminds me of Santino, but I enjoy Eric’s antics a whole lot more. I liked him better when he was the mouthpiece for the World Elite, but then he fell into a retarded comedy team with Orlando Jordan. He has gone on to finagle his way to the TNA World Television Championship, so maybe he is not as retarded as he seems, but I digress. Sting and Anderson square off, but the asshole makes a tag to Gunner. Gunner gets on the attack early on, but Sting comes back big by knocking Anderson off the apron and hitting Gunner with a massive Stingers Splash after he had clotheslined Gunner from behind. Sting hits another splash, but is cheap shotted by Anderson. Gunner tags the Asshole. He works over Sting in hopes of wearing him down before their Slammiversary match. Anderson then tags Gunner back in who continues the assault on the World Heavyweight Champion. Gunner locks Sting in an abdominal stretch. I haven’t seen that move in such a long time. He punches away at Sting’s ribcage. Taz says that Gunner is loaded with discipline being an ex-marine and all. I guess I just learned a bit of information for useless trivia night. Anyways, Sting fights out of the stretch, but is quickly taken down by Gunner who tags in the asshole. Anderson drives his boot into Sting’s weakened midsection. He then whips him to the corner, but Sting burst out the corner with a massive clothesline that almost turns Anderson inside out. Anderson tags Gunner and Sting makes the hot tag to Eric who comes in and starts fucking Gunner up. He unleashes tons of punches and goes up top and hits a well execute elbow drop. Anderson comes in to attack Eric, but Eric fakes like he is going to spit Great Muta mist in his eyes. He hits Anderson with a dropkick instead. Eric starts celebrating, but Gunner sends him crashing into Sting who is tagged in as a result. Gunner capitalizes on the confusion and hits Sting with a F-5. 1,2,3. This one is over and can be considered an upset.

Winners: Gunner and Mr. Anderson

Anderson can’t believe what just happened. He calls Gunner back into the ring and proudly bumps his fist in a show of respect. Sting’s momentum going into Slammiversary is now non-existent. Eric gets in the ring and tries to cheer Sting up, but Sting pushes him away. The champ is fucking pissed.

Sting is backstage trying to regain his composure. Eric Young asks him whats the matter and Sting rips on him and tells him that he really needs to drop the fucking comedy act and be a serious wrestler for once. Eric thought they won. Sting walks away a defeated and highly disappointed man.

AJ Styles hypes up his Last Man Standing Match against Bully Ray at Slammiversary this Sunday. He says that bullies are like balloons, you pop it once and it goes away forever. AJ feels confident that he can beat Bully Ray and feels that he intimidated him. Ray comes out and tries to get in AJ’s face, but some old geezers come out and intervene.

Sting is shown going through his bag and it looks like he grabbed some of his face paint.

Anderson is backstage talking a bunch of bullshit saying he didn’t even break a sweat during his match. Anderson still can’t believe that Gunner beat Sting. He spots his Slammiversary opponent and cuts the interview short. Anderson tries to run away, but Sting chases after him. Anderson goes into a trailer, but Sting follows him inside. Anderson tries to jump Sting from behind, but Sting fucks him up. Since Anderson likes mocking Sting so much, Sting starts rubbing red paint all over Anderson’s face. He then locks Anderson in a sleeper hold. Sting looks crazy and deranged. Anderson goes to sleep, Sting goes WOOOOOOO and Impact Wrestling is fucking over.

 

So, will I watch and review Slammiversary? Fuck no. I might just end up catching a live review and if by chance I do happen to watch it then I will have thoughts on it. If not, fuck it.

 

  1. Capt. Smooth
    June 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Never heard of Impact or any of these wrestlers. Kurt Angle? Who is he? Hulk Hogan? You’re making it up!

    • June 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

      Hulk Hogan, you know, the guy John Cena wishes he was.

    • June 11, 2011 at 5:42 pm

      Did you read that Kurt Angle almost ended Taker’s streak at WM22? At least that’s what Angle said.

      • Anonymous
        June 11, 2011 at 7:18 pm

        Angle might have been drunk.

  2. Ana_ZackPack
    June 11, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    I rarely watch TNA, but I liked you’re review.

    • June 11, 2011 at 7:20 pm

      Thanks 🙂

      • June 12, 2011 at 11:34 am

        I rarely watch TNA too. I gave it a serious try from late 2009 to early 2011 and then I gave up. The only people worth watching were Mick Foley, Ric Flair (wow…he still got it on the mic), and Mr. Anderson (his heel feud with Kurt Angle was great stuff). Surprisingly they are all former WWE guys…..hmmmm.

        Anyway, have I been missing anything interesting? The last storyline I remember was Jeff Hardy becoming champ and becoming “Immortal”.

        • June 12, 2011 at 5:17 pm

          The whole company is revamped. Changes are being made little by little I guess.

  3. Max
    June 11, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    I agree with the Knockouts doing porn to cross promote. That is genious. I don’t really watch TNA like that but I like what you write. You should have reviewed Smackdown though.

    • Capt. Smooth
      June 11, 2011 at 6:51 pm

      Orton caned the fuck out of Sheamus!

      • June 11, 2011 at 7:05 pm

        I need to see that match…I got it on DVR.

      • June 11, 2011 at 7:26 pm

        Sheamus should get beat with weapons all the time. Its funny because you can see all the marks since Sheamus is super white.

    • June 11, 2011 at 7:23 pm

      Fuck yea its genius. I just finished watching Smackdown and thought the main event was pretty damn good. I guess wrestling mattered a little more on Friday night, lol. Too bad Smackdown might get canned if the ratings continue to tank. They should just move it back to Thursday.Thanksgiving Smackdown’s were the best.

      • Capt. Smooth
        June 11, 2011 at 7:25 pm

        I miss the Halloween shows when they dressed up.

        • June 11, 2011 at 7:30 pm

          I don’t think Victoria misses being a banana, lol. I think one of the WWE TV shows will be on Halloween this year. That might be fun.

  4. Capt. Smooth
    June 11, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    THE INFAMOUS JCITY™ :
    Hulk Hogan, you know, the guy John Cena wishes he was.

    No, I don’t think Cena wants to go bald.

    • June 11, 2011 at 7:27 pm

      He can always get a flap of hair extensions. Its all the rage in the wrestling world, lol.

  5. Capt. Smooth
    June 11, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    Just got back from Super 8. Really fun movie!

    • June 11, 2011 at 7:31 pm

      Thats the movie about aliens, right?

      • Capt. Smooth
        June 11, 2011 at 7:32 pm

        Yes

        • June 11, 2011 at 7:43 pm

          Did anyone get anally probed?

          • Capt. Smooth
            June 12, 2011 at 10:11 am

            No

            • June 12, 2011 at 5:18 pm

              I think that at least one person should be anally probed in an alien movie or else it isnt authentic enough.

              • Capt. Smooth
                June 12, 2011 at 6:42 pm

                I just hope it’s not Uranus…it never gets old.

  6. Stephen
    June 11, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Where do you get off calling some one a dick in spanish? Eric Bicho is not funny at all. You really need to grow up.

    • The Modern Native
      June 11, 2011 at 10:22 pm

      Yeah, because I’m sure you’ve never, ever called someone something they didn’t deserve, or talked bad behind someone’s back. Whatever. Why do you read the site if all you’re going to do is insult J? Get a life.

      • Capt. Smooth
        June 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

        I just hate the term “grow up” to begin with. It seems to me that if you don’t like what somebody has to say, all you have to do tell them to grow up and you get instant cred.

    • June 12, 2011 at 5:20 pm

      Eric Bicho is fucking hilarious.

  7. Mr.Redlight
    June 12, 2011 at 12:27 am

    Stephen :Where do you get off calling some one a dick in spanish? Eric Bicho is not funny at all. You really need to grow up.

    you mad bro? Sad that erics bicho isnt in your mouth right now?

    • June 12, 2011 at 5:21 pm

      Lmao. Stephen wanted to join “The Band” but playing the skin flute wasn’t a qualification.

  8. Mr.Redlight
    June 12, 2011 at 12:34 am

    wait j arent you puerto rican you can like mexican america if they saw you they would beat your ass (pause) for not bein mexican!!!! lol jk. there theme is bad ass thats funny you mentioned that. If they ever release it to itunes i buying it. Who cares if i can only understand like 75 % of what they are saying. LA RAZA PARA VIDA!!!!!! (so what im white i can pretend its the internet)

    • June 12, 2011 at 5:24 pm

      Puerto Rican fest coming soon WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! They already started in New York.

  9. Mr.Redlight
    June 12, 2011 at 2:55 am

    breaking news i know why ricardo rodriguez ran big show over. twelve years ago almost around the same time big show tipped a car onto bob holly. Bob holly pay ricardo to run him over. I FUCKING KNEW IT

    • Capt. Smooth
      June 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

      I have to admit, I didn’t know it was Ricardo playing Big Show until he took off the makeup. I thought it was just a bad actor.

      • June 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

        I had read the RAW reviews that said it was Ricardo and I still didn’t know it was him when I was watching RAW on my DVR…lol.

        • June 12, 2011 at 5:25 pm

          Ricardo Rodriguez is was fucking hilarious on RAW, too bad the segment fell flat.

  10. TKO
    June 12, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    so gunner pins sting 1,2,3? Not even involved in a major angle and pins the champ? when was the last time that happened. i cant sit threw impact so i honestly have never seen gunner but he’s doing the f-5? i must see this gunner. they should give mason ryan that move in wwe. the move sells itself but i bet they are waiting for brock to comeback one day

    • June 12, 2011 at 5:29 pm

      Gunner was the NWA champion for like 2 years if I’m not mistaken. In TNA they haven’t mentioned it or build him up as any kind of threat, but he is good in the ring. I dont know if the F5 is his finisher since I cant say that I have ever seen him do it before, but he got the pin on the champ. Maybe he will be next in line or they will forget it next week who knows lol.

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