Home > Guest Blog, Infamous Interview, Shaman's Harvest, WWE > My Exclusive Interview With Zack Ryder by Shaman’s Harvest

My Exclusive Interview With Zack Ryder by Shaman’s Harvest

My Exclusive Interview With Zack Ryder by Shaman’s Harvest


Hey, Shaman’s Harvest here. You might remember me from that one Smackdown review I did, or that thing I wrote about Mae Young’s… umm… cat, or the Handrew Henry Saga that only lasted a day. As you can tell, I can’t dedicate myself to anything so I’ll just write about random crap. Ok? Oh, and if you’re wondering how Handrew’s doing… I killed him, raped him, cut every finger off his freaking hand body, wiped my ass with his corpse, then threw it in the neighbour’s garden. Can you blame me? He scared the hell out of me. No wonder why he was a reject.

Ok, so if you’ve ever watched American Dad you’d know Roger likes to play make-believe, so I’m gonna take a page out of his book and pretend I’m an *Infamous Interviewer*. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, stop having a life and watch TV. So here is my interview:

WWE Superstar (at least for now) Zack Ryder has recently obtained a lot of attention from the IWC. That’s the 10%er’s, the other 90% have no idea who this obvious queer is. Zack Ryder’s “Z: The True Long Island Story” videos feature Zack Ryder putting on little shows so he can tell us he’s the Internet Champ and he’s underused and WWE isn’t on the same page as him or their missing the boat with him or something like that. Why does he do this you ask? I assume when you only work 4 days a year you need something to keep you busy, but since you people depend on me, especially you Capt. Smooth, to bring you the facts, I decided to interview Zack Ryder. I decided to conduct this interview over the phone since I didn’t have any paper-bags to put over my head in order to leave the house. So I dialed random numbers until I finally got Zack Ryder.

Zack: “Long Island Iced Z here, what’s the hap’s my broski?”

Your Hero (that’s me): “Ummm… Zack?”

Zack: “That’s my fake name broski, what can I do ya for?”

Your Hero: “Umm… OH MY GOD you’re so cool! Have you ever met Husky Harris? Isn’t he c….”

He hung up. Clearly he couldn’t handle my pure manliness and control. I decided to call back later on a different phone after I promised myself I would stop shrieking.

Zack: “Woo woo woo, you’re on with Zack.”

Your Hero: “Mr. Ryder, this is Shaman’s Harvest and I’m he…”

Zack: “Wait, the band, Shaman’s Harvest, which performs Drew McIntyre’s theme?”

Your Hero: “… Sure?”

Zack: “Thats sweet bro, I was wondering if you could do a theme for me?”

Your Hero: “Yes yes, I’ll get to that… but first, I have a few questions to ask you.”

Zack: “Uh, sure dude.”

Your Hero: “Great. Ok, so you do a weekly video thing that has gained you popularity, tell me a little about that.”

Zack: “Well, The True Long Island Story features me…”

I had to cut him off since I was really getting sick of his voice.

Your Hero: “Zack, could you please talk like a regular human being?”

Zack: “What?”

Your Hero: “Well, you talk like you’re in some 70’s high school and you dress like a homosexual hippy. Your videos are nothing but a bitter attempt to get attention although you are not a good wrestler and anyone could do what you do. I bet if Tony Chimel started making videos he’d be just as popular as you.”

Zack: “I don’t need this.”

Your Hero: “I bet if Tony made videos he would have half the IWC saying he should be the new voice of WWE and replace Michael Cole. The thing is that these videos will just end up getting you in trouble instead of getting you your chance. You’re already getting your signs confiscated. I’m honestly surprised you haven’t been released yet.”

Zack: “I’m coming for you”

Your Hero: “What?”

Zack: “You heard me. I’m tracing this number and I’m going to come find you and beat the holy hell out of you.”

Your Hero: “Wait… I… I was just kidding.”

Zack: “Too late bro, I’m coming for ya. You won’t know where, you won’t know when, but somewhere down the line, The Long Island Iced Z is gonna getcha.”

Your Hero: “What about work?”

Zack: “Yeah, I don’t go to that anymore.”

He hung up as I chewed Handrew’s mutilated nails in fear. I’ll be waiting for Zack… he’ll come eventually… and I’ll be ready.

Disclaimer: This is intended solely for entertainment purposes only. The contents of this interview are imaginary and did not really occur. Please don’t beat me up Zack and please don’t sue me WWE. I have nothing you want anyways.

I know Andrew Johnson did this before and did it a lot better, but until he shows me a Trademark™ on fake interviews I can do this.

Ok, thanks.

  1. July 6, 2011 at 9:17 am

    Holy crap…this was awesome! I actually read the whole thing which I will admit I don’t always do.

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:11 pm

      So you don’t read stuff and Shaman only looks at pics. Cool. I don’t think I’m ever going past the 1,000 word limit ever again. 🙂

      • July 6, 2011 at 2:40 pm

        I read stuff but I don’t always read every single word. I like skimming articles sometimes.

        • July 6, 2011 at 3:13 pm

          This is what happens when I write too normal. I must turn into a shit talking heel again. Must fight urge…

  2. Ana_ZackPack
    July 6, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I like Zack 😦

  3. Ana_ZackPack
    July 6, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I like Zack 😦

    Btw, the comments box is a little crazy. It says I’m duplicating comments.

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:12 pm

      I think the comment section is racist. I tried to say something earlier and it called me a chinky spic nigger. 😦

  4. July 6, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    holy crap again….did anyone know that CM Punk was once on the Bozo show?

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:17 pm

      Ha! I would so give my aunt a GTS for making that public knowledge.

      • July 6, 2011 at 2:47 pm

        Did you hear what Punk said? “You don’t have an M16, how can you eliminate me?” LOL! He should have said, “You’re not better than me. The only thing you are better at than me is kissing Bozo’s ass”.

        • July 6, 2011 at 3:14 pm

          I like that M16 line. Punk’s a natural promo guy from childhood.

          • Capt. Smooth
            July 6, 2011 at 4:55 pm

            I saw that video a few months ago! Try looking for some Bozo bloopers on youtube. They’re funny as hell!

            • July 6, 2011 at 5:35 pm

              Bozo has nothing on Homie The Clown.

              • Capt. Smooth
                July 6, 2011 at 5:50 pm

                Fuck that! I wanted to go on the Greand Prize Game!

                • Capt. Smooth
                  July 6, 2011 at 5:51 pm


                  • July 6, 2011 at 6:38 pm

                    I liked the Double Dare show from back in the day.

                    • Capt. Smooth
                      July 6, 2011 at 7:38 pm

                      Double Dare=FTW!!! My favorite was You Can’t Do That on Television!

  5. July 6, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    I’ve also recently conducted interviews with Dixie Carter and Booker T.

  6. July 6, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Wait… so you wiped your ass with Handrew’s hand body then chewed on his nails in fear? Now I know why people always advocate the washing of hands.

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:53 pm

      No. First I cut off all his fingers and then I set them aside, than I wiped my ass with what was left and threw it in the neighbours garden while still having the fingers which I chewed on later.

      • July 6, 2011 at 3:17 pm

        Don’t forget the rape. The fucking rape. Didn’t Handrew have a hard enough life before an asshole like you murdered and raped him? Why Shaman, why?

        • July 6, 2011 at 3:22 pm

          He spilled his pepsi on the carpet. He deserved it.

          • July 6, 2011 at 5:36 pm

            Ah yes. You must have gotten your parenting skills at the house of CM Punk.

          • July 6, 2011 at 6:10 pm

            Does Mark Henry know what you did to Handrew? Does he ever care?

            • July 6, 2011 at 6:39 pm

              He doesn’t care. He hasn’t paid child support in over 10 years.

              • July 6, 2011 at 7:58 pm

                Handrew didn’t have the rights of a normal person. It’s really like klling a bug.

                • July 6, 2011 at 8:51 pm

                  Capt. Smooth :
                  Double Dare=FTW!!! My favorite was You Can’t Do That on Television!

                  I also liked that “Temple of Doom” show or whatever it was called.

                  • Capt. Smooth
                    July 7, 2011 at 5:47 am

                    I remember that! What about “Wild and Crazy Kids”?

                    • July 7, 2011 at 12:45 pm

                      Yes. I loved both those shows. Nickleodeon was the shit. Pete and Pete, All That, Are You Afraid Of The Dark, Eat My Shorts, the arcade show they had, all the NickToons like Rocko’s Modern Life, AHHHH…Real Monsters, Ren and Stimpy, Doug etc etc…

  7. July 6, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Free subscription for Playboy magazine when you fill out survey.


  8. Alan
    July 6, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    lolz, that dude sounds like he would fit right in with me and the bros at the beach!! ahaha.

  9. Capt. Smooth
    July 6, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Shaman’s Harvest :
    Booker’s interview is a lot more….modern day Booker T.
    You’ll get it after Dixie’s goes up.


  10. Capt. Smooth
    July 6, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    “especially you Capt. Smooth”…LOL!!!

  11. July 6, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    Shaman mentioned the cunt… ugh. Why mention the CUNT?

    • Capt. Smooth
      July 6, 2011 at 5:52 pm

      Forgot about that one. Damn!

      • July 6, 2011 at 6:41 pm

        I was going to write something, but now I have a bad case of writers block. Moments like this I wished I still posted up Hot Chicks. This would be Wednesday Whore Files day 😦

        • Capt. Smooth
          July 6, 2011 at 7:39 pm

          Caption This Shyt?

          • July 7, 2011 at 12:46 pm

            I forgot about the Captions.

            • Capt. Smooth
              July 7, 2011 at 4:45 pm

              Yeah, no writing.

              • July 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm

                Well, it involves a bit of writing… minimal writing, but it is still a journalistic venture… lol.

                • Capt. Smooth
                  July 8, 2011 at 4:34 pm

                  It’s lazy…the best type!!!

        • Alan
          July 6, 2011 at 8:14 pm

          those were the days bro, ahaha.

          • July 7, 2011 at 12:47 pm

            I should relaunch THEREALSHYT. Maybe after 250,000 views. It’s almost there.

            • Capt. Smooth
              July 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm

              No Pookakke videos please.

  12. July 7, 2011 at 1:09 am

    I’m watching Ready To Rumble, it’s awesome!

    • Ana_ZackPack
      July 7, 2011 at 10:33 am

      I actually liked that movie…Its one of my guilty pleasures in cinema.

      That, See No Evil and The Expendables.

      • Capt. Smooth
        July 7, 2011 at 4:48 pm

        *whispers* May 19th!

    • July 7, 2011 at 11:24 am

      wow that’s an old one.

      “This isn’t even a Pay Per View”!

      Wow I just found out that John Cena is in “Ready To Rumble”

      • July 7, 2011 at 12:51 pm

        HA. That’s when he was John Cena The Prototype. I wonder if he was training for WCW or was spotted in a gym and giving his role as an extra because of his look. Kinda interesting, what if WCW was still around, would Cena have debuted on Nitro?

    • July 7, 2011 at 12:49 pm

      I love that movie even though all the critics hate it. I wish WWE made on like it.

    • Capt. Smooth
      July 7, 2011 at 4:47 pm

      Still haven’t seen RTR yet.

  13. July 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Shaman mentioned the cunt… ugh. Why mention the CUNT?

    Now he has to mention me in his next headlines saying how smart, sexy, and powerful I am.

  14. Capt. Smooth
    July 7, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Yes. I loved both those shows. Nickleodeon was the shit. Pete and Pete, All That, Are You Afraid Of The Dark, Eat My Shorts, the arcade show they had, all the NickToons like Rocko’s Modern Life, AHHHH…Real Monsters, Ren and Stimpy, Doug etc etc…

    I thought it was “Salute Your Shorts”. What about “Hey, Dude!” when they had Captain Lou on there?

    • July 8, 2011 at 4:00 pm

      I always thought it was Eat Your Shorts, lol. My memory is fucked.

      • Capt. Smooth
        July 8, 2011 at 4:38 pm

        That’s what you get for cheering the heels.

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