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THE INFAMOUS Wrestling News Wire: A South African Thief’s P.O.V On Robbing WWE Superstars

THE INFAMOUS Wrestling News Wire: A South African Thief’s P.O.V On Robbing WWE Superstars 

by THE INFAMOUS JCITY™

THE INFAMOUS Wrestling News Wire was created to cover legit wrestling news as it happens, but the current batch of news is boring as fuck, so I decided to take one news story from the week and create a story around it. In this edition I used the news that broke out about WWE Superstars having items stolen out of their luggage at a South African airport. While this story is a work of fiction, keep in mind that it is indeed based on a true story.

[Editors Note: A _____’s P.O.V is a new experimental writing style from the warped mind of  THE INFAMOUS JCITY™ where he puts himself in somebody else’s shoes and writes from their perspective. JCITY is known for his controversial style so it will be a breath of fresh air to see him leave his comfort zone as he invades the consciousness of others to present to you their mind frame through his eyes. In this edition, JCITY will delve into the mind of a South African Thief as he confesses to robbing items out of luggage belonging to WWE Superstars. Enjoy.]

Hello, my name is Kuntanamo Kinte and I’m the 7-year-old kid pictured above with the bandage on my head. The kid next to me was Mustafarian Kinte. He was my brother. He recently passed away from famine and disease. I miss him dearly, but I fear that if I don’t eat soon, I will be the next to die. The point of starvation me and my crew has had to endure is unbearable, but that all changed when WWE came to town. Let me tell you our story. 

Before I get to why we robbed the WWE Superstars, let me introduce my N.I.G.G.A Crew, which stands for Never Ignorant Getting Goals Accomplished Crew. This is Dolph Zuluger and he is 9 years old. He is an active member of the African Black Panther Society as well as a soldier for the Nigerian Army. His father is currently annoying the fuck out of THE INFAMOUS JCITY™ by sending him various scam emails. Dolph specializes in weapons and has moved to the number 2 position in my crew now that Mustafarian is dead.

Baby Nigz is 3 years old and he’s one of the most feared Africans I have ever met in my life. I have to credit him with saving the day and feeding our family and friends with his amazing hunting skills on more than one occasion. Baby Nigz also specializes in weapons. He prefers heavy artillery, but is known to chuck a mean spear from time to time. He aspires to join the African Black Panthers Society when he turns 7.

This guy is Piki. Me and Mustafarian found him in the trash one day as we were rummaging for whatever scraps of food that might have been thrown away. He can’t speak very well so we named him Piki because he specializes in picking locks. It is rumored that his great-grandfather inspired the Oscar The Grouch character found on Sesame Street when his slave master found him in the trash. He thought it was hilarious and copied his likeness into a dingy, dirty, grouchy green muppet. He went on to make millions while Piki’s great-grandfather went on to die from malnutrition. Piki’s age is still a mystery to me.

This right here is Akon Dukati. I have known him for over 3 years and not only is he one of my best friends, but he is also my connection into the world of blood diamonds.

This is my father Smokey. He once killed a lion with his bare hands when the lion had attacked and killed my mother. He is known as the biggest weed distributor from Niger, Africa, north of Nigeria. For growing weed for his master, he gets to smoke as much of it as he wants. He usually shares with all of us and to be honest I think the weed is the only thing keeping us alive. My father doesn’t get paid much so he can’t afford food for us, let alone clothes. His master makes all the money and lives in a nice mansion while our adobe is made out of dried up fecal matter, cheap Arabian curtains and gorilla skin. My dad dreams of one day going to America to become a street level drug pusher. To him that is the American Dream.

Last, but not least, we have Dolph’s father, Chaka Zuluger, the Nigerian Scam Artist. If you have received a Nigerian scam email in the last 3 years there’s a 90% chance it came from Chaka. Chaka is a computer master and sometimes he finds people stupid enough to send him money. He is currently on the run from the local authorities for raping his slave master’s goat, but before he left, he hooked us up with his long-lost cousin.

You might know him as WWE Superstar Kofi Kingston, but we know him as Kofi Sarkodie-Mensah. Kofi is something like a God to the younger impressionable villagers, but ever since he debuted in the WWE as a Jamaican, most of the adults have turned their backs on him. They could not understand why Kofi would abandon his West African roots. Being from Ghana should be something Kofi should have been proud of. Fierce warriors and kings have emerged from Ghana so seeing Kofi casted as a Jamaican brought his family great shame. Me and my crew were ordered to kill Kofi, but I suggested that his mother be notified about her son’s actions and she took care of it as best she could. Once Kofi was finally billed as an African it brought our continent much joy and the contract to terminate him was terminated. Feeling guilty for shaming his family and denying his race, Kofi promised that if the WWE ever came to Africa that he would look out for his people. A few weeks ago, Kofi let us know that the WWE was coming to South Africa and that we might be able to come into a substantial amount of money if we followed Lord Gabriel’s plan.

Lord Gabriel rules South Africa with an iron fist. From money laundering, human and drug trafficking, to organized crime, Lord Gabriel is involved in everything when it comes to South Africa. He comes from a long influential family of slave masters and is one of the only few people in Africa living the good life. If you dare question Lord Gabriel’s authority on anything you will be publicly executed so it’s best not to bother him with issues of hunger, clothing or shelter.

Lord Gabriel only takes care of his immediate circle of Africans. From his stable of prostitutes to his prized fighters Lord Gabriel makes sure that they need for nothing. Most of you might know our lord as Justin Gabriel, but if we dared call him Justin we would be guaranteed a brutal and gruesome death. Anyways, Kofi and Lord Gabriel go way back. Kofi’s father used to be Africa’s most popular slave. He used to put on minstrel shows for all the whites living in South Africa and was also the best cage fighter Africa has ever seen. He was owned by Lord Gabriel’s father and as a result Kofi was able to build a bond with Lord Gabriel that no other African has ever been able to duplicate. So, when he heard that Kofi owned his country men a favor, Lord Gabriel quickly thought of a master plan. Kofi told us that in order to meet with Lord Gabriel and get the information we needed to get paid, that we must first decapitate a lion then go on and meet Lord Gabriel on the top of Table Mountain were we will present him with the severed lion head as the ultimate sign of loyalty and respect.

The only problem with that was that South Africa was about 2,000 miles away. With no form of transportation other than our feet we started on our long journey. We were basically starving to death so there was no way a little distance would come in between me and my crew getting something to eat. Our lives depended on our meeting with Lord Gabriel. We must have been out on the deserted land of Nigeria for 15 days. Nothing but us, the hot sun and sand. No creatures in sight to hunt. No water to drink. No nothing. Sometimes flies would fly on Piki’s face and we would eat them to give us energy. We knew we needed to find water as soon as possible or die from dehydration, so I was glad that we had to cross through the Congo to get to our destination.

Once we reached the Congo we drank the water, bottled some for future use and bathed. Since we were now in the wild jungles of Africa it looked like there was plenty of chances to eat, but we must be careful when hunting our prey as we can easily end up becoming the prey to these big ruthless animals that call this jungle home. We loaded up our guns and followed Smokey through the jungle since he knew the way to South Africa and we didn’t. The Congo is known for its vast gorilla population so we tried our best not to attract their attention or the attention of any poachers that might have been hunting in the area so we proceeded as carefully as we could.

After a few days of navigation through the Congo we encountered a pack of wild gorillas. They didn’t seem too pleased with our trespassing so they charged at us as soon as they saw us. One of them grabbed Akon Dukati by the neck and bit his head off in one fast fluid motion. Before any of Akon’s blood had the chance to stain the Congo soil, Baby Nigz and Dolph Zuluger opened fire on all of the gorillas. At first the gorillas seemed bulletproof as they wouldn’t go down, but after Smokey, Piki and I joined in on the bullet storm the gorillas fates were instantly sealed. We buried Akon in the Congo that night. Baby Nigz and Dolph chopped up the gorillas using their trusty machetes. Smokey smoked us up as we sparked a fire and ate some of the extra chewy gorilla meat. It had been 36 days since the last time I had a hot meal and this gorilla was hitting the spot. What we didn’t eat we made into Jerky and packed it for another day as we continued our journey south.

Once we cleared the Congo we bumped into the female tribe of Dashiki in Zimbabwe, Africa. They told use that South Africa was just 50 miles south and that before we can make it to Cape Town we would encounter the lion we would have to decapitate. We stayed with the Dashiki tribe that night and had one of the best orgies I remember being a part of. With our destination just a short distance away, we quickly brainstormed ideas on how to decapitate a lion. Since Lord Gabriel wouldn’t want the lion’s head to be riddled with bullet holes this was going to be quite the tedious task.

After 45 days of hiking we finally made it to South Africa. Before we could make it to Lord Gabriel we would have to cross a field habitated by lions. I hate lions. A lion killed my mother. If Smokey didn’t kill the lion when he did I’m sure I would have been next. Anyways, we stumbled upon a male and female lion eating a bison. Baby Nigz shot the female lion in the head as Dolph, Smokey, Piki and I circled the male lion. Smokey charged at the lion and got clawed in the chest. The lion slowly pulls his claw out of Smokeys chest and dropped his heart. The lion charged at us, but Baby Nigz speared him in the back. I jumped on his back, pulled the spear out and jammed it in the lion’s heart. El corazon de leon, destroyed forever. Dolph Zuluger chopped the lion’s head off. It took 34 brutal machete chops. I counted and cringed for each one.

We cleaned the lion’s head and made it look as presentable as we could for our Lord Gabriel. We climbed to the top of Table Mountain and presented Lord Gabriel with his desired gift. He seemed extremely pleased and handed us some coins. Lord Gabriel ripped out the lions brain and wore the lion’s head as a hat, the mane wildly blowing east of the wind. He told us that WWE was going to have a show that night so their luggage should be easily accessible at the airport. We can get through all the bags before the WWE Superstars even landed. He said that the luggage with the locks held the most valuable things.

This is where Piki finally got the chance to shine as he finally put his lock picking skills to good use. It also helped that he no longer smelled like trash and urine. Piki opened up the locks and we grabbed the items that looked liked they would be worth the most money including I-phones, Ipads, jewelry, clothes, handheld video game systems, laptops and a solid gold dildo found in a bag marked “Melina”. As we put all the items in a dufflebag, airport security came out of nowhere so we started running. As I looked back to see if we evaded them I could see one of the security guards shooting Piki in the back of his head as his brain flew out the front. It’s an image that I will never forget. Baby Nigz, Dolph and I kept running, never looking back for fear of what might happen if we did.

We ended up bringing all of the stolen items to Lord Gabriel and he paid us about $5,000. We finally had enough money to live on for the rest of our lives. No longer will we need for anything. No longer will we ever go hungry again and it’s all thanks to the WWE Superstars visiting our great continent of Africa. Baby Nigz brought himself a nice little hut in West Nigeria. Dolph Zuluger brought more guns for the Nigerian Army. I brought a new hut and an elephant. I also got African tribal ink to honor my fallen friends Piki and Akon. As a way to honor the memory of Smokey, I now hunt and kill lions for fun. Lions killed both of my parents and I will be damned if they get me next. I would like to thank Kofi Kingston for doing what was right for his country and Lord Gabriel for the opportunity. Not only am I richer because of him, but the journey to Cape Town helped mold me into the man I am today.

To be continued…

  1. meekrz
    July 10, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    omg wtf

  2. July 10, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Oh my God these poor children! I’ll take them all!

    • July 10, 2011 at 8:44 pm

      They are not poor anymore. They have $5,000. That’s like 5 million in Nigeria.

  3. July 10, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Good for Kuntanamo and the rest of the N.I.G.G.A.’s!

    And also now I know who always send me spam saying I won their family fortune.

    • July 10, 2011 at 8:45 pm

      I get tons of spam from Chaka and his friends. Shit is ridiculous, I might have to change my email soon.

  4. Max
    July 10, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    This was a damn good read. I wouldn’t mind reading more of their adventures. I see what you did with the Dolph Zuluger name too.

  5. Capt. Smooth
    July 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    There’s a good Agelina Jolie in there.

    • July 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm

      Joke? Naw, not enough Africans to adopt. 2 of the kids got killed off.

      • Capt. Smooth
        July 11, 2011 at 5:48 am

        Yeah, I meant to put “joke” in there.

        • July 11, 2011 at 8:19 pm

          I can read words that aren’t there. I think I might be a physic.

          *Waits for “No you’re just a phyco” response*

          • Capt. Smooth
            July 12, 2011 at 5:47 am

            Actually, is that your mutant power? Are you in the X-Men?

            • July 12, 2011 at 3:20 pm

              That’s Professor X 2 you, lol.

              • Capt. Smooth
                July 12, 2011 at 4:51 pm

                How about Professor J?

                • July 12, 2011 at 5:05 pm

                  Naw, my rivals would spray-paint Professor Jackass on the side of the headquarters or something, lol.

                  • Capt. Smooth
                    July 12, 2011 at 5:14 pm

                    Just be glad it’s not Professor Jizz-in-my-ass.

  6. Capt. Smooth
    July 10, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    To get back to something a little more light-hearted, I went to see Horrible Bosses last night. Very funny with some nice outtakes.

    • July 10, 2011 at 8:17 pm

      I almost saw that movie yesterday. Did you enjoy it?

      • Capt. Smooth
        July 10, 2011 at 8:20 pm

        Quite a bit. Cool seeing the Newhart cameo.

        • Capt. Smooth
          July 10, 2011 at 8:21 pm

          I misread your post. Sorry for the spoiler!

          • July 10, 2011 at 8:22 pm

            That’s okay…don’t even know/care who Newhart is.

            • July 10, 2011 at 8:49 pm

              I hate Jennifer Aniston.

              • Capt. Smooth
                July 11, 2011 at 5:50 am

                Aniston is HOT in this movie.

                • John
                  July 11, 2011 at 10:20 am

                  She’s hot period.

                  • July 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

                    Let me rephrase that, I hate chick flicks, especially hers. My wife loves that shit, but if I have to see Marley And Me one more time…..

                    • Capt. Smooth
                      July 12, 2011 at 5:48 am

                      Marley and Me was more of a family movie, but I know what you mean.

            • Capt. Smooth
              July 11, 2011 at 5:49 am

              Bob Newhart

              • July 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm

                Who in the blue hell is Bob Newhart?

                • Capt. Smooth
                  July 12, 2011 at 4:53 pm

                  Actor. If you have ever seen the movie “Elf”, he played Will Ferrell’s “elf” dad.

                  • July 12, 2011 at 5:04 pm

                    Oh, I knew that.

                  • July 12, 2011 at 5:13 pm

                    oh that guy. I thought “Elf” was a really good movie.

                    • Capt. Smooth
                      July 12, 2011 at 5:16 pm

                      Spaghetti and syrup! YUM!

  7. July 10, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    This is like the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read here. This stuff is cool. It reminds me of a column idea I once had. My idea was to look at the lives of the RAW Superstars after Monday Night RAW. Like last week could have been Vince McMahon at a table thinking of all the ways he can screw CM Punk. Meanwhile Linda is like, “Vince honey….it’s time for bed.” And Vince will be like, “Not now dammit….I’m trying to decide the best and most enjoyable way to screw one of my superstars.”

    • July 10, 2011 at 8:54 pm

      I don’t think anything will be as bizarre as Shaman getting raped by Luke, lol. Vince after RAW sounds like it can be a comedy gold.

      • July 10, 2011 at 9:11 pm

        His takedown and groud control was world class.

        • July 10, 2011 at 9:14 pm

          Ground

          • July 10, 2011 at 9:16 pm

            And it’s not like I don’t like Luke. I much rather have had him win than Andy. I can’t stand that guy.

            But I really wanted Jeremiah Riggs to win. He reminded me of Husky Harris.

            • July 10, 2011 at 9:22 pm

              Jeremiah was such a badass. He killed everyone on all of the Toughness Challenges. They had one challenge where one had to run like 90 feet with a dog chomping on your arm and Jeremiah ran the whole length and didn’t slow down despite Clifford the Dog trying to eat his arm off.

              • July 10, 2011 at 9:26 pm

                I love those type of guys. Big ol’ rugged mans man type wrestler. I wish WWE used more of those guys intsead of the merto Superstars.

                Guys like Husky and Riggs are the last of a dying breed of guys like Dusty Rhodes.

          • July 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

            That’s, umm, creepy.

  8. July 10, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    Haha…CM Punk!

    From Twitter:

    CMPunk CM Punk
    Wanted to watch the departed to prepare me for stupid accents on Monday. Apparently I don’t own it. Gone Baby Gone it is! #Bahsten

    • July 10, 2011 at 8:36 pm

      That just went way over my head. What’s he saying?

      • July 10, 2011 at 8:53 pm

        CM Punk? He’s in Boston for RAW. Boston people have funn…um….I mean “different” accents than the rest of the US. The Departed is a movie in which everyone is from Boston and they say stuff like “Wicked Awesome”, “pahk” (instead of “park”), and other stuff.

        Here are more tweets from Punk where he pokes fun at Boston:

        “Apaht-mant.”

        “Whaats so faahkin fhanny?”

        • July 10, 2011 at 8:57 pm

          Only the white people from Southie talk like that. CM Punk wouldn’t say that shit in Roxbury or Dorchester though, lol. Punk always hated Massachusetts. He knows what he’s doing though and that’s generating that heel heat like only he can.

          • July 10, 2011 at 9:09 pm

            Damn…I was hoping Punk will turn face tomorrow. Maybe Punk will do an entire promo in a Boston accent…that would be wicked awesome.

            • July 12, 2011 at 3:23 pm

              He did manage to get a face reaction though. WWE ICECREAM BARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

              • Capt. Smooth
                July 12, 2011 at 4:55 pm

                Yes to WWE Ice Cream Bars! I remember Cena mentioning eating them in a promo about 3 or 4 years ago, talking about Doink being on them and everything. Brought back memories.

                • July 12, 2011 at 5:03 pm

                  The icecream truck around my way still has the sticker for it on the truck, but they dont have the icecream.

                  • Capt. Smooth
                    July 12, 2011 at 9:02 pm

                    Fuckers!

  9. July 10, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    hey J,

    Looks like Cena is hyping up Boston as his home.

    “JohnCena John Cena
    Good to be home and looking forward to a special monday for me in boston.”

  10. Anonymous
    July 11, 2011 at 12:05 am

    that would be like sayin im home when going to l.a. when im from san jose. sure its the same state but not the same city lol

    • July 11, 2011 at 12:22 am

      well I don’t think WWE visits West Newbury.

    • July 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

      WWE always lies about all Canadian wrestlers from Ontario, almost no one they say is from Toronto is actually from there.

      It must be the only city in Canada Vince knows of.

  11. Mr.Redlight
    July 11, 2011 at 12:05 am

    damnit it keeps loggin me out that was me

  12. Capt. Smooth
    July 11, 2011 at 5:52 am

    I’m telling you, Cena needs to come out in a Rondo jersey.

  13. July 11, 2011 at 10:52 am

    That would make Chicago hate him more. Rondo is a thug who slammed Kirk Hinrich into the announce table during the 2009 NBA Playoffs. And he also slapped the shit out of Brad Miller. We don’t like that guy.

    • July 11, 2011 at 11:00 am

      • Capt. Smooth
        July 11, 2011 at 5:21 pm

        I’m talking about in Boston. Also, both Rondo and Hinrich were fighting, but Rondo won. Finally, concerning “the slap”, wouldn’t you want him to bitchslap Cole?

        • July 11, 2011 at 7:21 pm

          yeah I know…but Chicago will be watching tonight with the PPV just six days away. Chicago hates Rondo so if Cena wears a Rondo jersey tonight, does that make him a Rondo fan? Why am I even wasting my time…Cena will be wearing his stupid orange…I mean purple…I mean red crap that he wears every week. He’s bigger WWE fan than Boston fan. I read on Wikipedia that he resides in Tampa, Florida.

          • Capt. Smooth
            July 11, 2011 at 7:29 pm

            But he’ll know that Chicago will hate him anyway. he Rondo idea is just so I can mark out. He’s got the UK connection and he’s from Louisville. I’m just being a homer.

            • July 11, 2011 at 7:54 pm

              Rondo is from Louisville? Didn’t know that.

              • July 11, 2011 at 8:24 pm

                He should come out with a condom on his head… because he’s a dickhead. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

                • July 12, 2011 at 10:12 am

                  You were right…Boston hates Cena. Weird especially when Punk kept trying to hype Boston as Cena’s hometown at the end.

                  • Capt. Smooth
                    July 12, 2011 at 4:57 pm

                    Bost on a “smark” city so it doesn’t shock me. Plus, as I said earlier, they do boo more often and are louder.

                    • July 12, 2011 at 5:02 pm

                      I remember that show called “Everyone loves Raymond”. I think they should make one called “Everyone hates Cena”.

              • Capt. Smooth
                July 12, 2011 at 5:50 am

                Yeah, born and raised.

  14. Ana_ZackPack
    July 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

    I actually liked this article, even though my “history/culture researcher” wants to talk about the real south africans xD

    • July 11, 2011 at 8:25 pm

      You can’t talk about the real South Africans without mentioning their Lord Gabriel, lol.

  15. Rob
    July 11, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    You should make up more stories this was good.

    • July 11, 2011 at 8:27 pm

      I will in the future, but I think it’s time to get back to real wrestling coverage for a bit.

  16. Mike Aires
    July 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    You should have killed them all off. I hate THESE type of people.

  17. July 11, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    “El corazon de leon, destroyed forever.”

    Ha! Chris Jericho (Lion Heart) reference.

  18. Capt. Smooth
    July 12, 2011 at 5:52 am

    THE INFAMOUS JCITY™ :
    He should come out with a condom on his head… because he’s a dickhead. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    That’s like a super villian laugh. Are you Dr. Evil?

  19. July 19, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I’ve truly enjoyed surfing around your blog posts. After all I will likely be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write again soon!

  20. July 25, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Superb post. I want to thank you for this informative read, I genuinely appreciate sharing this great post. Maintain up your work.

  21. April 25, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    ok so piki is clearly a fake ass kid and his grandfather was not the inspiration to the famous charecter oscar the grouch and um the 3 year old skilled marksman is fake a fucking 3 year old baby holding a damn minigun is completely impossible so stop post stupid shit like im white man that somehow is able to hike for 45 days is just bullshit and you looking for left overs in the garbage is far beyond bullshit good luck mr. bullshit

    • Anonymous
      April 30, 2012 at 10:26 pm

      LOOOLL calm down 6ro its juss a story SHIIT

  22. J
    April 1, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Alot of lies on this page. The so called smokey who in this write up is poor and has no clothes is infact a well known African celebrity. His name is Fela. Do your research before writing lies about hard working celebrities. A movie about him is currently making waves in the U.S.A

  23. Anonymous
    August 11, 2015 at 3:21 am

    Fiction bout I did like it

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