The Super WWE Biased I Hate Impact Wrestling Report 7/27/11

The Super WWE Biased I Hate Impact Wrestling Report 7/27/11

by THE INFAMOUS JCITY™

Impact Wrestling is a good alternative to the WWE, but if you listen to the haters online, Impact Wrestling is nothing more than a punchline with everything that is wrong with the wrestling industry. The hate towards the company brainwashes impressionable fans that have never heard of the company, but go out of their way to put the product down in some sort of blind allegiance to the WWE, which ends up turning off any potential fans they could have gained. With that being said, consider me brainwashed. For one review only, I too will pledge my allegiance to the WWE and write one of the most biased reviews I have ever written in my life. Now on to the feature presentation.

The show opened up with Kurt Angle calling out Hulk Hogan. Instead of advancing any storylines, this segment was used so Terrence Bullshit Bologne Bollea, whatever the fuck his last name is, could blow smoke up his own ass. Someone needs to tell Terrence that he is no longer relevant. Sure, he was the biggest thing in the WWF at one point in time, but guess what? That shit was so last century. Newsflash Terrence, it’s 2011, you are 30 years past your fucking prime. You and Ric Flair should be in a nursing home playing bingo games and tricking nurses into giving y’all geriatric asses a sponge bath and an extra prune juice at supper time, before your 7pm bedtime curfew. Another thing that bothers me about this old relic of a fossil is his constant use of bandanas. Terrence, give it up man, you’re fucking balder than a Pornstar’s twat. That retarded mullet is not a good look. Mullets are meant to be business in the front, party in the back, but Terrence got nothing in the front and hair extensions in the back. Fuck calling it a mullet, call that shit a dontlet, as in don’t let this motherfucker leave the house without a motherfucking bandanna on his prehistoric chrome dome. Hey Terrence, did you lose half your hair in the divorce? Terrence might as well get that raggedy ass bandanna surgically implanted on his head or some shit, since it always ends up coming off when he wrestles. Anyways, Kurt Angle tried to convince Terrence to handle his own problems against Sting and just get back in the ring and face him one on one. I would pay to see that match just to see our beloved Terrence snap his fucking spine in half and never be able to step foot in a wrestling ring ever again. Hey Terrence, either go back to the WWE or get the fuck off my television screen. You can take your crappy Rent-A-Center commercials with you too.

Gunner vs RVD 

This match was so fucking lame. Where did they find Gunner at, SuckyWrestlers.Com? Don’t get me started on RVD, who is nothing more than a pot smoking, cocaine sniffing, heroin infecting junkie, that should never be allowed to wrestle ever again. He thinks he’s so cool with his little flips and stuff, but you know who else does all those little fancy flips (and does them better might I add) gymnast, and we all know gymnast are either females or gay men, so where does RVD fit into that equation? Hmmm… That stupid motherfucker was giving one of the most generous opportunities the WWE has ever given any talent and what the fuck did he do? Fuck it all up like the ungrateful bastard that he is. As for Gunner, who never has any goddamn guns by the way, is just a poor man’s Brock Lesner, minus the appeal, muscles or talent. Big intimidating back tattoo, check, F5 finisher, check, but that’s where the similarities end because in the ring, Gunner sucks uncircumcised hippopotamus cocks.

Winner of seven points towards a tournament that will end up being even more meaningless than the recent WWE Championship Tournament: RVD… on LSD and lord knows how many other fucking drugs.

Eric Bicho [Bicho is Spanish for cock, dick, penis, shlong, tally whacker, trouser snake, shaft, magic stick, one-eyed Willie, skin flute, wiener, unit, pecker, prick, pud, choad, dong, wang, so on and so forth, and it’s a million times easier to type and way more fun to say than Bishoff] read a letter from “The Network” that said that the company needs to focus on rebranding the X-Division and making it the focal point of their programing. Great, that means more lightweight douchebags in the world of professional wrestling. If Vince McMahon has taught me anything it’s that the bigger the wrestler the better they are. If Bicho listens to “The Network” then I expect Impact Wrestling to fold within the next few months. Don’t build a company on glorified midget wrestlers that always cut the same promo week after week after week. Go out and get big immobile muscle-bound retards instead. Which reminds me, where the fuck is Rob Terry?

Sting said that he was now a Network Representative and can now call all the shots. Yup, sounds about right. This company is ran by a bunch of unoriginal jokers.

In more bad news, the biggest doofus on the roster, Matt Morgan, tore his right pectoral muscle fapping to Dixie Carter self-fisting videos. Whatever, Matt Morgan fucking sucks and couldn’t cut the mustard in the WWE, so why the fuck should I care about him now?

Bully Ray vs Crimson

Another boring match for points that don’t mean a damn fucking thing. Can someone please tell Bully Ray that he will never amount to anything in the world of professional wrestling? Dude is way past his prime. How old is he? Like 40? Yea, I think it’s time to hang up those orange camo shorts and call it a career. I fucking hate those orange camouflage shorts which were popularized in a Detroit Trailer Park by LT’s deadbeat dad. This match was the epitome of suckage. Crimson is a Ginger and therefore has no soul and this is they guy they want to build the company around? Nigga please.

Winner of seven points towards a tournament that will end up being even more meaningless than the recent WWE Championship Tournament: Crimson 

Winter vs Tara

Oh great, more WWE rejects. I read that these Knockouts get paid $200 per appearance. They might as well take their hookerish skills to a brothel where they can get paid way more than that. These hoes are being wasted in a wrestling ring. They need to go out and do what they were put on this earth to do and that’s suck a dick, fuck a dick and shut the fuck up and make sandwiches. If they ever get out of line then they need a strong handed pimp in their lives to slap the fucking taste of semen out of their dick sucking mouths. WWE Divas are the best female wrestlers in the world and don’t have to skank it up just to be accepted. The WWE Divas are all about class and sexiness. These Knockouts are all whores that wear twenty pounds of makeup and slut it up for a measly paycheck. If these bitches want to make some real fucking money, then they need to quit wrestling and go sling that ass for cash. They do it for free anyways, so why not get fucking paid for it.

Winner: Winter

Ultimate X Match: Abyss vs Brian Kendrick 

You follow up the potential prostitutes with this shit? Really? Really? I can’t fucking fap to this shit. A Kurt Cobain look-a-like vs a Mankind/Kane ripoff. Ugh, somebody bring back the whores because this match right here is so fucking lame. Fuck a X-Division, where’s the Sex Division? Mickie James vs Angelina Love vs Velvet Sky in a Dildo On A Pole Match would be way better than this crap. Then maybe it can break into an all out lesbian orgy and I can commence to fapping it like I never fucking fapped it before.

Winner: Brian Kendrick

Let the pigeons loose!!!!! Tracy Brooks, ODB, Jackie and Velvet Sky were all in the ring cutting some bullshit promo and all I could envision was Velvet Sky, butt-naked, laying on her back, spreading her pigeon coop twat as hundreds of thousands of pigeons fly out of her snatch and take a shit all over the Impact Wrestling set. Now that would have been more epic than this promo ever wished to be. Another thing I noticed is that all these bitches have fake tits. There must have been over $30,000 worth of titties in the ring. They should really make an all Knockouts PPV called Silicone Madness or some shit.

Steel Cage Match: WWE Reject Turned Asshole… Asshole vs Kurt Angle

Yet another match featuring a couple of WWE rejects. Can this company do anything original? And look, a Steel Cage. You know who else does Steel Cage Matches? WWE. You know who does them better? WWE. I wish this organization can just stop copying WWE and get their own damn concepts. WWE will always do it better and they have better cages like the Hell In A Cell structure and the Elimination Chamber, so please take your stupid little cage match and shove it up your asses. Thanks.

Winner: Kurt Angle

In conclusion, Vince Russo is a worthless piece of shit that can’t write a wrestling show even if his fucking life depended on it. Someone should just put that motherfucker out of his goddamn misery already. Terrence, Bicho and Russo should be cast away on a deserted island where they would never be able to ruin another wrestling company ever again. Fuck them and fuck Impact Wrestling.

_____

Hating on Impact Wrestling was fucking fun as fuck and now I see why everyone and their mother bashes the company. Next week I will return to a normal unbiased review though, because in reality, this show wasn’t nearly as bad as I made it sound.


  1. Fade To Grey
    July 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Another satire. This is soooo original!

    Maybe some people don’t like TNA because they just don’t like it.

    Sting is so pathetic right now! Heath Ledger died three years ago Sting! You’re not even good at this. Find something interesting to do. Oh yea, that’s right….Sting hasn’t done that since the 90’s.

    Also, TNA brings up WWE all the time. They keep the WWE in the heads of the people who watch their show. Which is not many.

    1.0’s in the ratings says it all.

    If you want to knock people that’s fine (it’s what you think you do best), but to make a sweeping generalization about why all the people who don’t like TNA or like WWE better? That’s kinda weak, dude. You don’t know my reasons for liking or disliking something.

    We get it! You think TNA is not getting a fair share. I guess Hogan and Flair wrestling again is something we all want to see. Two overrated stars getting in the ring again.

    WOOOO!!! Go TNA keep up the 8,000 PPV buys, and sticking to a small arena because you can’t sell out a real one! Bischoff for life. Organization #2 about to be taken down under his reign.

    I’m pumped!!!

    • July 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm

      When was the last time I wrote satire? My bad, I wanted to have a bit of fun with this review. I mean I dont have to keep a certain standard of journalistic integrity. I’m a blogger not a New York Times writer. There’s enough regular reviews out there, if you want those, find them, if you want this then your welcome. People love ripping TNA, sometimes just to look cool and fit in, I’m don’t need to fit in. I’m the awkward piece in the puzzle that doesn’t fit, but I look so sexy you just want to force the piece in and make it work.

      I think it’s original. People will rip the product, but no one will take it to the extreme I am willing to take it to. If it offends then it offends. I’m not going to apologize for having fun with a hobby. When I get paid then I’ll write to a certain standard,until then I write what feels right to me.

      You rip Sting for “copying” Heath Ledger, but Jack Nicholson was Joker before he was. There’s nothing new under the sun. Are we gonna rip Zack Ryder for ripping off Jersey Shore? Are we gonna rip Alberto Del Rio for ripping off JBL? Are we going to rip on Sin Cara from ripping off the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? No, because those are WWE guys and there is a double standard in the IWC.

      If they want to mention and be inspired by WWE what’s wrong with that? If you’re going to aspire to be like anyone it might as well be the best. The low ratings are some what due to the fact that more people get the USA Network that they do get Spike. I had to upgrade my satalitte package just to get Spike. How are people going to know TNA even comes on when there’s no advertisement? Only TNA fans know about TNA and any potential fans are scared off the product by TNA haters.

      I’m not knocking anyone for hating TNA, but at least have a valid reason for hating a show. Dont go on a rant about how they can utilize this talent or fire this writer or whatever because while that stuff does affect the company, it’s not what was presented in the actual show. Enjoy it for what it is. My issue is not with all people that dislike TNA, its those that hate for no reason. Those that give no reasons and just say “Fuck TNA they suck” and offer no insight to why.

  2. Ray
    July 29, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    I realize your tongue in cheek review was your way of giving the finger to impact haters, but a lot of truth is said in jest. The way you went at them for not having linear storylines is the reason ppl are put off by the show. Why should I invest in the characters when the writers won’t? One week Mr. Anderson is a face the next he’s heel, the following week he’s teasing dissension with immortal. At times the wrestling itself is a lot better than what we get on Raw or Smackdown, but you can get better wrestling watching Indy promotions at local bingo halls, doesn’t mean I want to watch them on tv. Once the promotion starts taking itself seriously, we as fans will as well.

    • Fade To Grey
      July 29, 2011 at 2:29 pm

      AMEN BRO!!!

      Nice to hear logic on here. Very rare!

      • July 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm

        See, you at least try to make a point. My problem is with those that hate it just because it’s not WWE and everyone else is hating on it so they join in. Most of them have never even watched TNA or claim they tried to and the show was giving them a headache or something.

        I did enjoy ripping the company though. Hopefully I don’t get too used to it and do it again next week.

  3. Ray
    July 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Nice subtle shot at tjr. Props for providing a decent alternative.

    • Cult of the Voiceless
      July 29, 2011 at 2:59 pm

      I don’t get why there is so much TJR ripping on this site. John’s a good guy with the clearly superior web site. Let it go people!

      • July 29, 2011 at 3:05 pm

        Where is the shot at TJR? It’s the IWC as a whole not just TJR, even though there is alot of TNA hate on there too. As for clearly superior website, that’s all in opinions. They are extremely popular, no doubt, but my writing is just as good. Not once did I mention TJR in this post so let’s not even go there. Anytime I end up mentioning them is because you guys keep bringing them up and trying to compare and after a while it gets mighty annoying considering that my style is waaaaaay fucking different. Chill with that shit. Enjoy my writing for what it is or rip it, that’s your choice, but stop trying to cause unnecessary drama. Fuck!

        • July 29, 2011 at 3:22 pm

          I never read one shot at anyone besides LT…

        • Cuban B
          July 30, 2011 at 12:23 am

          If your writing is so good, why aren’t you writing there? And don’t use andrew johnson as an excuse because I asked John and he said you just weren’t as good as the others. AJ told me he never even read your post because John didnt sent it to them. Christian said the same.

          • July 30, 2011 at 12:48 am

            It’s all about personal choice. It’s not like it was a panel of Pulitzer Prize winning authors in a magazine, just a bunch of wrestling fans on the internet. Who gives a fuck if I don’t write there? I don’t. I write here and you’re here reading my shit. There’s a difference between wanting to write somewhere and needing to write somewhere and I don’t NEED to write for someone else’s site because I can run my own shit just fine. Stop trying to create a division. If you don’t like it then please feel free to fuck off. Going around emailing people about me is kind of stalkerish. Worry about yourself and don’t worry too much about what the fuck I do.

  4. July 29, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    This is exactly how I feel about TNA minus the X-Division. They need to get rid of stupid Immortal, Hogan, and Bitchoff and feature the real TNA talent like Styles, Joe, and Aries. I’m sick of seeing WWE rejects. I want to watch the old TNA, not the bitter old WWE guys club.

    And you’re so right about Velvet, that would have been the most epic promo ever. Maybe if Criss Angel was there….

    • July 29, 2011 at 3:29 pm

      At least someone liked it, lol.

    • Alan
      July 29, 2011 at 5:34 pm

      Criss Angel is Spoke….y. Spokey. ahaha.

      • July 29, 2011 at 6:27 pm

        Jeff Hardy can pull off a good Chris Angel gimmick if he let his hair grow back.

  5. Capt. Smooth
    July 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Impact just leaves this “B-list” aftertaste. They can have great matches, cool characters, and lovely women, but it all rarely comes together.

    I will admit to this: I came across Joker Sting last night and it’s terrific. Honestly, I think this is the best showcase for Sting’s charisma sinse his “colorful, Little Stingers” era.

    • July 29, 2011 at 6:29 pm

      His Joker gimmick was better at the beginning because he was more sadistik, but I also like his over the top, never taking anything serious version.

      • Capt. Smooth
        July 29, 2011 at 9:38 pm

        Loved it when he asked Karen for a hug.

        • July 30, 2011 at 1:10 am

          I would have asked her for a blowjob, but hey, that’s just me I guess. Lol.

        • July 30, 2011 at 7:21 am

          Hey Capt….are you going to the WWE Event in Louisville tonight?

          • Capt. Smooth
            July 30, 2011 at 7:34 am

            Parking’s a bitch. No. 😦

            • July 30, 2011 at 8:17 am

              I’m wondering if I’ll regret not going to Rockford, IL tonight to see Cena vs. Punk II. It’s a two hour drive.

              • Capt. Smooth
                July 30, 2011 at 8:28 am

                Plus gas money saved.

                • July 30, 2011 at 8:35 am

                  Don’t worry, the REAL Punk vs Cena 2 will be at SummerSlam and I have a feeling they might bring back the Undisputed Championship belt.

                  • July 30, 2011 at 8:38 am

                    The LA crowd is gonna sucked compared to Chi-Town.

                    • Capt. Smooth
                      July 30, 2011 at 8:47 am

                      I’m sure they could work the crowd into a frenzy.

                    • Capt. Smooth
                      July 30, 2011 at 8:48 am

                      Maybe Kobe can be the special guest ref?

  6. Ray
    July 29, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    I liked the piece as I took it for what it was satire. As for the subliminal shots, let’s be honest it may not have been your intentions but it does read like the review on tjr. I enjoy your site and opinions, nice to have a blog where the writer has similar thoughts and interests.

    • July 29, 2011 at 6:34 pm

      This is way worse than anything on TJR, but I bet if it was posted there all the TNA haters would love it, lol. I’m not really against writers that bash TNA objectively, mostly people who leave snarky little comments all over the web from forums, Twitter, you name the venue and there’s fans relentlessly trashing the product. Glad you like the site. Hopefully the “satire” nature of this post doesn’t become my everyday thoughts seeing as while I try to go at it as unbiased as I can, I can see where some people’s frustrations lie.

  7. July 30, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Capt. Smooth :

    Maybe Kobe can be the special guest ref?

    I used to like Kobe [||](Pause) until he raped that white girl and proved how big of a sucker for love he was when he brought his wife that expensive ass “please forgive me” ring. To me that was an admission of guilt.

    • Capt. Smooth
      July 30, 2011 at 1:22 pm

      But, if not for that, we would’ve never got that Big Show line about “Cena being the white girl, and Big Show being Kobe Bryant”.

      • July 31, 2011 at 9:06 am

        Smh…

        • Capt. Smooth
          July 31, 2011 at 9:46 am

          What?

      • July 31, 2011 at 5:57 pm

        When was that?

        • Capt. Smooth
          July 31, 2011 at 7:47 pm

          Look up Cena/Big Show battle rap on youtube.

          • July 31, 2011 at 7:49 pm

            You should have went to that Louisville show. I heard Ezekiel Jackson vs. Heath Slater was the match of the year.

            • Capt. Smooth
              August 1, 2011 at 5:42 am

              Depends on the reviewer. Some are just rying to be as douchey as possible, because that’s when you know your a “real” fan.

              • August 1, 2011 at 10:39 am

                I was joking. I heard it sucked. Orton and Christian had a Louisville Street Fight. That must have been fun.

  8. Ana_ZackPack
    July 30, 2011 at 9:22 am

    I’m a little biased since I watch WWE way more than TNA, but I think they’re only better than WWE with the knockouts, x-division and tag teams.

    Other than that, I think they are to similar to WWE but in a low cost version.

    Not to mention their video packages are horrible.

  9. Max
    July 30, 2011 at 11:41 am

    This was awesome. I think you should write every Impact review this way since I don’t really care about them and found this to be entertaining, and Fades to grey is a troll looking for a snack. Dont feed the troll.

  10. Dro
    July 30, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Yo…what’s on the site’s background?

    • Capt. Smooth
      July 30, 2011 at 5:23 pm

      Rebecca Black

      • July 30, 2011 at 6:41 pm

        It’s the end of the world, but we are too blind to see it coming since all the media feeds us is fun loving pop stars like Rebecca Black instead of telling us whats really going on in the world and how it will effect all of us, sooner than we think.

        Rebecca Black = The Antichrist 666

        • Capt. Smooth
          July 30, 2011 at 10:07 pm

          I’m sure she’s a lovely young girl. We all know who the real enemy is: Q-Tips!

  11. David
    July 30, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    I dug TNA but I agree that Hogan needs to hang it up! I’ve never read anything so hilarious as the Hogan bandana thing. Sounds like a fuckin troll that fades to grey kid. I dig this site its somewhat unconventional and cool at the same time.

    • July 31, 2011 at 9:13 am

      I was laughing my ass off when I wrote that part and though everyone was going to hate me for it. Glad it went over.

  12. phantom thought
    July 31, 2011 at 2:04 am

    this was some of the funniest shit ever LOL at knockouts hookers

  13. July 31, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    I read that TNA got like 300 fans at recent shows. A bad day for WWE is when they draw 6,000 fans.

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