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My Exclusive Interview with CM Punk by Shaman’s Harvest

My Exclusive Interview with CM Punk by Shaman’s Harvest


Award winning journalist, Shaman’s Harvest here. As The INFAMOUS fanbase already knows, I was personally touted…no…chirsened by THE INFAMOUS JCITY™ as the writer of the year. There was never really any doubt I would win, not any what if’s, and’s, or but’s. There’s no room for “What If’s” on this site. So, after winning, I decided that I needed to follow-up with a NEW EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!

I was looking through the archives and I’ve noticed a trend, one that I’m not partially proud of, and it’s that I interview alot of irrelevant people! Seriously… Melina? Jim Ross? Michael Cole? Luke Whatshisrape? As Zack Ryder would say in the silliest of all voices, “Are you serious bro?” So it’s time to deliver an interview from a big name star, and what better star to interview than the hottest commodity in the business today? CM Punk!

Now, you might be wondering how I was able to arrange this interview with “The Voice of the Voiceless”, but that was the easy part. All I did was do some research on the RAW travel schedule and set up a little fake meet and greet with Michael Chiklis. There wasn’t any doubt in my mind that Punk would show up, now let’s hear CM Punk tell it like it really is.

Disclaimer: This interview is intended for entertainment purposes only. The contents of this interview are purely imaginary and did not really occur. 

CM Punk turned the corner in his rental car, passing through a red light, leaving a very opinionated middle-aged black women screaming some choice words at him, but Punk didn’t care, nothing would stop him from meeting his idol. The parking lot was empty, which he thought was strange, but maybe he was just a little early. He got out of his car and went into the Comic Book Store.

Punk: Uhhh… hello? I’m here for the meet and greet! Anyone here? Ah, I know! There must be a secret password, let me guess…IT’S CLOBBERING TIME!

Shaman: Hello.

Punk: What? Who the hell are you?

Shaman: Shaman’s Harvest.

Punk: Yeah, well that doesn’t matter. So, you here for The Thing convention? I got the right time, don’t I?

Shaman: You’re just on time… but not for what you think. Punk, there’s no Thing convention. That was just a trap set by me to get you alone.

Punk: Freaking great, another obsessed fan. Listen man, I don’t have time for this shit, so I’m just getting out of here before I do something I’ll regret.

Shaman: Punk, wait!

He kept walking.

Shaman: I’m an interviewer for a fantastic site!

Punk: Fantastic?

Shaman: Oh yeah, we got commentors and opinions being expressed by colorful characters, man, you know it’s just wonderful. We have a lot of fun down there.

Punk: So you want an interview?

Shaman: Yes, sir.

Punk: Errr, why not. I came down all this way anyway. I’m not leaving without dropping a few pipebombs, so shoot.

Shaman: Great! So, Mr. Punk, you said on Twitter that you legally changed your name to CM Punk, why?

Punk: Do you not keep up with this stuff? I’m not answering questions I’ve already answered, dipshit.

Shaman: OK then… Reports have shown record low ratings, the lowest since 1997 since you’ve been the focus on RAW. Any thoughts?

Punk: Next question.

Shaman: What? You didn’t answer my last one!

Punk: That’s because it’s stupid, just like your name.

Shaman: What the hell?!

Punk: What’s that now?

Shaman: Ummm…I said, so Punk, you want to bring change to the WWE, how will this change come about? And why are you the man to bring this change?

Punk: You see, what makes me so special is that I embrace change. Change is not something people like. People don’t like change, corporations don’t like change. They like things the way they are because they’re comfortable with it that way. It provides them with a sense of security. WWE’s been a company that thinks they change, and that thinks they make strides to connect with the fans, but they don’t.

Shaman: Care to elaborate?

Punk: Not on that, but I’ll elaborate on why and how I’m bringing change. What I want to do is listen to the people… or the “universe” as they call it, which I think is a little silly, but I won’t get into that. Stars like Zack Ryder and Daniel Bryan, who move away from the status quo, are the fresh faces fans want to see and…

He continued to ramble on. Don’t get me wrong, this was good material that any dirtsheet would gladly post, but that was the problem. This was all the stuff he says on TV every week. I needed to get him to go beyond his usual stuff, but WWE has slowly changed him from a badass rebel to a greasier version of John Cena. How could I get him to talk? I can’t get him drunk. He’s straightedge! No worries though, I had a plan.

Shaman: Punk… would you like a Pepsi?

I handed Punk a Pepsi and we began to drink. After 12 diet Pepsi’s, laced with a bit of cocaine I found under the bench I was sitting on while waiting for Punk mixed in, he had lost his wits. It was go time.

Shaman: Punk, Punk, Punk… whoa! We’re just having the best time, but I think it’s time we get back to our interview.

Punk: Yea, fuck, you know, shoot man!

Shaman: So, Punk, let’s start from the beginning. What made you so angry at WWE in the first place?

Punk: Yea, fuck, you know, bunch of tight asses in there. Everyone’s fucking nosey and opinionated, like, damn, fuck off already. Always giving the titles to John Cena? Come on man, what the fuck is that shit?

Shaman: Take me back to your epic promo on Monday Night RAW that started it all.

Punk: Yea, fuck, you know, so Vince came to me and said fuck, Punk, your contracts expiring and we want you to resign, so I’m like fuck off man.

Shaman: Really?

Punk: Yea, fuck, you know, no, no, of course not really. I’m not telling the great visionary that is Vincent Kennedy McMahon to fuck off, I told him to double fuck off. Then I said Vince, I’m sick of this shit. Things are boring and ratings suck, but we’ll pretend they’re OK and then I demanded to have a fucking 3:16 moment. All he’s doing is trying to get me to sign that fucking contract, so I said let me talk at the end of RAW and I’ll bring the damn house down. Vince gave me a dumb look then said OK.

Shaman: Did you have any idea what you were going to say before you said it?

Punk: Yea of course, you think I was going to go out there and talk about my day? Use your fucking brain there Shaman. So I’m sitting out there and John’s in the ring like he always is before the show ends and I just start speaking my mind saying fuck you to everyone who built this industry and made this company popular and I can fucking say that because I’m the fucking best in the world.

Shaman: So you really believe everything you said out there?

Punk: No man, I was  just being a little fucking bitter out there because John Cena’s a wonderful man and there is no doubt he’s the best. No one becomes the best by a fluke or Heath Slater would be the best.

Shaman: So you think Cena’s better than you?

Punk: No dumbass, I was being sarcastic. I’m the only fucking threat in the WWE. You idiots believe everything I fucking say. You’re believing me over everyone else, I could just be blowing smoke out of my ass and all of you get high on it.

Shaman: What?

Punk: Fuck man. Do you not understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Let me make it simple so even your stupid ass can understand me. I say a lot of bullshit. Take Johnny Ace for instance. Yeah I make fun of him by saying he’s a gladhanding douchebag yes-man, but he’s not at all. He’s a terrific EVP; just wonderful, so many in the back enjoy working with him, and what a sense of humor he has.

Shaman: Punk, I’m not sure if I understand…

Punk: What’s there not to fucking understand? My contract was expiring and I’m like fuck I need more money man, so I thought hey it’s time to step up my game by picking on people who are too good of people to fight back, so I pick on fucking Johnny Ace of all people. I think I might say he sexually harassed me and get him fired just like Lagana for the hell of it. So I held the fucking WWE hostage and all you supported me. It was freaking hilarious. I was sitting out there saying I would go back to New Japan Pro Wrestling or Ring of Honor, but yeah, fuck that shit. I’m a fucking All-Star here, I’m never going back to that shit again. Then I thought, hey I’m on a role, so let’s call Steph an idiot and see what people think and they loved it because insulting women is PG, right?

Shaman: Before you were cut off you were going to say something about WWE’s Anti-Bullying campaign, what was that about?

Punk: Nothing. I had nothing to say. I was drawing a fucking blank man. They didn’t even cut the microphone. I fucking turned it off myself because I didn’t want to stand there looking stupid.

Shaman: These are great answers, Mr. Punk, thank you so much. Ummm… tell me a little bit about Beth Phoenix.

Punk: Beth? That’s my fucking women friend and I say women friend because she’s more like a big masculine opera singer than a girl, but what the hell can I do? I’m on the road all year so I just went up to her and said Beth, you have a pussy, right? And she just stood there plucking out her chin hair’s really quickly and said yes.

Shaman: Tell me a bit about Zack Ryder.

Punk: Yea, fuck, you know, the kid dresses like a hippy and says woo alot like some kind of retarded Ric Flair wannabe. Personally, I think it’s a fucking joke, but people like it. He thinks it’s a fucking joke too. People are loving him way too fast and he’s not even a fucking Indy star, I’m like, what the fuck is going on here?

Shaman: CM Punk, one last question… If you would answer it this time. Raw rating are the lowest since 1997 since you’ve been the star, what are your thoughts?

Punk: Yea, fuck, you know, I don’t fucking know. I can’t explain this. All my fucking fans don’t know how to turn on the fucking TV and stop playing fucking Skyrim or whatever they have time to play to support my movement. I say fuck them. I hope they enjoy having Cena back as the WWE Champion because we all know that is what is going to end up happening. They bitch all day about him then when something finally does change they don’t even watch. They’re really the ones who deserve a kick in the ass, and actually I think I might just kick you so hard in the ass everyone else will feel it.

Shaman: Wait! Punk! You don’t know what you’re saying. I, accidentally, ummm, slipped something in your Pepsi, you don’t know what you’re doing!

Punk: Slipped something in my Pepsi? You mean this?

Punk pulled the bag of cocaine out of this back pocket. How did he get it!?!

Punk: Look, I’ve had enough guys try to spike my drinks before to be aware of this shit.

Shaman: But what about that interview…what you said?!

Punk: I told the truth, not the CM Punk TV truth, but the real truth. I always wanted to tell it, but I never thought I’d find the right place to do it.

Shaman: But you told me.

Punk: No one will believe you, and if they do, who cares? Man, you fucking tried to drug me. If you even pretend this interview is the truth, I’ll send you to jail faster than I would kick Berto’s ass.

Shaman: You sneaky bastard! Before you leave… Can I have an autograph?

Punk: Sure, anything for a fan.

I approached Punk with the Monday Night RAW program I always keep in my back pocket in hand and he happily signed it.

Punk: There you go man.

I was about to walk away, but then he grabbed my arm.

Punk: But you should know, I hate when people shove programs in my face.

Shaman: Noooooooo!!!

Punk hoised me over his shoulders and deliver a brutal GTS with the point of his knee. I fell to the ground clutching my head.

Punk: This is for trying to drug me!



Punk: This is for calling me a greasy version of John Cena!



Punk: And this is for lying to me about The Thing convention!


Shaman: OUUUUUUU no… please stop… no more… Punk, YOU’RE OUT OF LINE!


  1. January 2, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Just about to head out for a few hours…I’ll read it when I come back. P.S LOVE that pic on the bottom, lol.

  2. January 2, 2012 at 8:04 am

    CM Punk legally changed his name to CM Punk? Also, how dare you give drugs to my Straight Edge Savior! That’s how I knew for sure this interview was fake…the real CM Punk would smell the Pepsi and say…

    Punk: “I smell Coke”.

    Shaman: “No I promise…This is Pepsi. Look…I poured it out of this bottle.”

    Punk: “No dipshit…I meant cocaine. Just because I’m straight-edge, doesn’t mean I don’t know what cocaine smells like.”

    Shaman: “I didn’t know people can smell cocaine.”

    Punk: “They can’t but I can because I’m straight-edge and that means I’m better than you. It’s not a fucking catchphrase…it’s real. Watch.”

    Punk starts flying.

    Shaman: “WHOA!”

    Punk: “Yeah…straight-edge guys can fly.”

    • January 2, 2012 at 8:07 am

      oh…I read the rest and saw that CM Punk detected the drugs. I like my version better.

    • January 2, 2012 at 6:03 pm

      Yup, Phil Brooks is now CM Punk. He said he goes by CM Punk anyways and that’s how everyone knows him so he pulled a Warrior and now his wrestling name is his real name. Punk has used the same name since his teenage years so it makes sense for him to do it.

      • January 2, 2012 at 6:04 pm

        Lol, if he could fly then I guess he really is better than us.

      • January 3, 2012 at 7:18 pm

        Yup, Phil Brooks is now CM Punk. He said he goes by CM Punk anyways and that’s how everyone knows him so he pulled a Warrior and now his wrestling name is his real name. Punk has used the same name since his teenage years so it makes sense for him to do it.

        You got a link? I don’t believe you.

        • January 3, 2012 at 7:44 pm

          He said so on Twitter a few weeks back. I don’t know if he was bullshiting or not, but I read somewhere that he did it because he has been CM Punk waaaaaay before he was in the WWE and they want to own and trademark his name, but they can’t do that it’s his government name so he changed it.

  3. January 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    More proof that John Laurinaitis really is Mr. Excitement and CM Punk is just a bullshitter:

    “I have to say John Laurinaitis gets a bad rap from a lot of people,” MVP said. “He is in a really crappy position. His job makes you very unpopular. He and I had a good relationship. He was the guy that hired me and gave me my first opportunity. John Laurinaitis, a.k.a. Johnny Ace, spent 10 years in Japan with the All Japan [Pro Wrestling] promotion. He and I would talk about Japanese wrestling all the time over beers.”

    • January 2, 2012 at 6:06 pm

      Johnny Ace was a former wrestler so I’m sure he is more relatable than Vince McMahon as he can understand where the talent is coming from and can guide them to where they need to be. He has a cool dad vibe going for him.

      • Capt. Smooth
        January 2, 2012 at 7:36 pm

        “Cool dad vibe”? He needs to use that more often on tv.

        • January 3, 2012 at 6:11 am

          it would work. I would mark out if he came out on his skateboard though.

          • Capt. Smooth
            January 3, 2012 at 8:47 pm

            Make it so!

  4. January 2, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Oh Shaman bro, you to cray! Ahahaha.

  5. Capt. Smooth
    January 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Shaman, took me a year to read the ending! Too damn funny!

    • January 2, 2012 at 6:08 pm

      Damn, Shaman does end up in some fucked up situations with these interviews. I would have quit a looooong time ago if getting beat up and raped were in my job description.

  6. Rob
    January 2, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    And this is why Shaman is the best. I can really see CM Punk saying all that stuff and am I the only one that reads these in the wrestlers voices?

    • January 2, 2012 at 10:26 pm

      I read them in the voices…that’s what made the Alberto Del Rio column and Booker T interview so great!

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