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THE IMPACT PLAYER: My Thoughts On Impact Wrestling 1/5/12

THE IMPACT PLAYER: My Thoughts On Impact Wrestling 1/5/12


Impact Wrestling is a good alternative to the WWE, but if you listen to the haters online, Impact Wrestling is nothing more than a punchline with everything that is wrong with the wrestling industry today. The hate towards the company brainwashes impressionable fans that have never heard of the company, but go out of their way to put the product down in some sort of blind allegiance to the WWE. All this ends up doing is turning off any potential fans Impact Wrestling could have gained if everybody wasn’t being so damn WWE biased. With that being said, I would like to welcome you to THE IMPACT PLAYER, where I will give you my thoughts on this week’s episode of Impact Wrestling. 

After the debacle that was Victory Road 2011, I thought it was cool of Sting to give Jeff Hardy his full endorsement and point out all the positive things he has done to clean up his act. Just last year, Sting was disappointed in what had become of Jeff, so hearing The Icon acknowledge Hardy’s road to recovery makes me believe that Jeff is getting his shit together on some legit shit and not just a wrestling storyline. Good for him. That Hallmark inspired moment was ROODLY interrupted by the Impact Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion himself, Bobby Roode, who had Bully Ray and Kurt Angle come out with him. In my opinion, I think that Roode carries himself exceptionally well as champion and is proof that Impact Wrestling has homegrown talent that is fully capable of being much bigger Superstars than the WWE rejects Dixie Carter loves to sign. Roode is convincing on the mic and exudes championship material.

The heels tried to intimidate Sting and Hardy, but out came my current favorite Impact Wrestling Superstar, James Storm. I believe that 2012 will be the year of the Cowboy. While Jeff Hardy is capable of carrying a company as its top face performer, taking his track record into consideration, I really wouldn’t trust him to carry my company. Storm has been in Impact Wrestling for a long ass time and to me he would be a more dependable choice as the face of the company. I feel Storm is one of the better developed characters in Impact Wrestling and unlike Hardy, he’s a fresh main event face. Wrestling needs new guys to lead the charge and Storm is more than ready to be that guy. If Impact Wrestling drops the balls on him then I wouldn’t mind seeing him debut in WWE because I think he would be a perfect fit in the company, being a super redneck version of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and all.

Anyways, Storm came out with Abyss who has just been completely wasted as a monster heel. Janice wielding Abyss was awesome. Immortal Abyss was ok I guess, but face Abyss just sucks the hairiest of all nutsacks. He  just doesn’t do it for me as a face, but I digress. After hearing everybody cut their promos, Sting gets his Teddy Long on and makes a 6 Man Tag Team Main Event Match, just like Spike TV’s voice over guy said right before the show fucking started. Someone should tell that motherfucker to cut it out with the goddamn fucking spoilers. Seriously, that shit pisses me the fuck off.

I absolutely loved the next segment which was poolside and featured the always sexy Impact Wrestling Knockouts. My favorite part must have been when Gail Kim tried to murder Traci Brooks on national television by drowning her. That shit was fucking hilarious. Traci almost died too until John Canton’s wet dream in the flesh, Mickie James, came out of nowhere and saved the day. I love hot bitches wearing next to nothing so this segment had me at hello. I really wouldn’t mind a one or two-hour show featuring nothing but hot and steamy action from the Knockouts. I really love them hoes.

Up next was a match for the Knockouts Tag Team Championships, which in my opinion might just be the most pointless titles in wrestling today. There are barely any female tag teams in Impact Wrestling and whenever the belts end up getting defended they just throw two random bitches together and call them a team. I think this problem would be solved with the previously mentioned Knockouts only show. Anyways, frustration over the worthless titles aside, Gail Kim and Madison Rayne successfully defended the straps in a fun and entertaining wrestling match. WWE Divas could learn a thing or two by watching the Knockouts do what they do best. WWE is fucking retarded for taking the women they have on their roster for granted. They had Gail Kim and completely buried her when she is one of the most elite bitches in wrestling today. What the fuck did they have to gain from that? Nothing. I don’t fucking get it because she is a damn good worker. Also, letting go of Mickie James was one of the stupidest things they have ever done, but their loss is my gain because I can finally see these woman do what they love to do and that’s wrestle. By the way, it looked like Mickie James might have tweaked her ankle in the match. Hopefully it’s nothing major.

I liked when Sting confronted Ric Flair and told him that he wasn’t allowed to accompany Gunner to the ring for his match against RVD.  In classic Flair fashion, Ric demanding that Gunner kill RVD. Most people, especially the cynical assholes in the IWC, wouldn’t have thought much of such a short backstage segment, but I thought it was fucking hilarious.

Another backstage segment and this one featured the always delusional Eric Young. I think he’s in love with ODB and still thinks they are in the Tag Team Tournament after being eliminated last week by Samoa Joe and Magnus. I can’t wait for him to put the moves on ODB and she ends up fucking him up. Now that would be funny as fuck. As for the Tag Team Tournament, I really like the team of Magnus and Samoa Joe. They are a randomly put together team that I never thought would work, but they have come together and taken care of business in impressive fashion. I guess they have a point to prove since they have both been criminally overlooked in the last few years.

Garrett Bicho [Bicho is Spanish for cock, dick, penis, shlong, tally whacker, trouser snake, shaft, magic stick, one-eyed Willie, skin flute, wiener, unit, pecker, prick, pud, choad, dong, wang, so on and so forth, and it’s a million times easier to type and way more fun to say than Bishoff] returned to Impact Wrestling after getting the beating of a lifetime courtesy of his dad. He had intentions of coming back as a referee, but Sting told him to take the ref shirt off and gave him a pair of wrestling boots. As of this moment, Little Bicho is now officially part of the Impact Wrestling roster. I don’t really know how to feel about this at the moment. I guess I have to watch a few more of his matches before I can really formulate an opinion on this whole situation. Unlike others, I’m not going to let any ill-conceived feelings I have towards Little Bicho’s father affect how I feel about him as a wrestler. At this point he is still unproven.

Eric Young continued to amuse me by walking in on Gail Kim and Madison Rayne’s locker room in his quest to slay the big booty whore ODB. The Knockouts didn’t appreciate him just barging in on them so Madison jumped on him from behind and in hilarious fashion Eric stuck the bitch in a locker. That was fucking great.

Up next was Gunner vs RVD. This match was pretty damn physical and people who say RVD isn’t the same wrestler that he used to be in the past and just phones everything in is full of shit. RVD can still compete at a very high level. Why else would WWE be interested in bringing him back? This is what I like to see in wrestling, two wrestlers trying their hardest to beat the fuck out of each other. It makes the matches feel important and it keeps things interesting and unpredictable. Even though both men ended getting counted out, I loved the finish where RVD thought he had Gunner right where he wanted him and was going to legdrop him on the steel guard rail, but Gunner moved out the way. Gunner then grabbed RVD and was going to piledrive him on exposed cement until Impact Wrestling personnel had to come out and stop him. If there wasn’t any bad blood between these two wrestlers before, there is now. I wouldn’t mind seeing these two go at it one more time in a No Disqualification Match. Gunner is one to watch in 2012 and RVD is RVD. Nuff said.

X-Division time as Austin Aries and Kid Kash teamed up to face Jesse Sorensen and Zima Ion. I’ve seen better X-Division matches in the past, but this was still a fairly entertaining match that was miles ahead of any bullshit shown on Monday Night RAW this week. The main story told in the ring was newer X-Division stars Jesse and Zima trying their best to be the man that made the most impact against the opposing team. I think both of the X-Division noobs are extremely talented individuals, but in my opinion I think Jesse will be the one that gets further in his career. The noobs picked up the win here and impressed me with some of the moves they pulled off, or in Zima’s case, attempted to pull off. As for Aries and Kash, I think Aries is a solid addition to the X-Division and represents well as champion. Kid Kash on the other hand really needs to change his name. The man looks like he is 40 years old. Nothing wrong with going by just Kash if you ask me. Some people are incapable of relinquishing their youth though. Can you say, mid-life crisis?

I thought it was creepy as fuck when AJ Styles and Kazarian left their locker room to go wrestle in the Tag Team Tournament and as soon as they left the room Christopher Daniels was shown coming out of their bathroom. What the fuck was he doing in there? Spying? Fapping? Taking a shit? Idk, but it was weird as fuck. I think AJ needs to get a restraining order on that motherfucker, ASAP.

Eric Young finally found ODB and interrupted her photoshoot. He tells her to get ready for their match, but ODB reminds him that they got eliminated from the tournament last week. What happened next left me confused as Eric did his stupid little signature lockup thingy, ODB locked in, she ended up falling on top of him, they then rolled around on the floor and then SHE KISSED HIM! I thought ODB didn’t like Eric like that? Wow, I guess she must want the cock and for a second there I was thinking ODB was more into twats and cunts. Silly me. Anyways, Eric thinks they are in love. Stupid, yet funny segment from these two love birds. Can’t wait to see where this story goes next.

Samoa Joe and Magnus went up against Kazarian and AJ  Styles and all I really have to say about this match is WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? Christopher Daniels came out and once Kazarian saw him he refused AJ’s tag and left him on his own. Just earlier Kaz was talking about their great chemistry as a team and AJ said he trusted him so I don’t get what just happened, but this is Impact Wrestling after all and people flip flop between heel and face in what seems to be 2 month intervals. I still don’t understand what just went down, but I’m glad that Samoa Joe and Magnus picked up the win and will now go on to Genesis (which is this Sunday) and challenge Matt Morgan and Crimson for the Tag Team Championships.

Haha, the picture above is so fucking gay. It’s like Kaz is saying, “Sorry bro, I had to do it. I hope you understand. Are we still on for lunch tomorrow?” with his sad puppy dog eyes. Pathetic.

Backstage there was a funny confrontation between the Tag Team Champions and their newly crowned challengers backstage that was broken up by D’Lo Brown. Yes, I marked out for D’Lo. You messin’ with the real deal now. Classic.

Main Event is up next and I can honestly say that this 6 Man Tag Team Main Event Match was better than the one I saw Monday night on RAW. Nice even paced match that saw the heels do a whole hell of a lot of cheating and the faces getting sick of all the damn rule breaking which resulted in all hell breaking loose. The referee ended up throwing out the match, but I didn’t care because the action continued after the match was over. As Storm fought Bully Ray on the outside and while Kurt Angle was taking it to Abyss at ringside, Jeff Hardy and Roode went at it. When Hardy went to hit Roode with a Swanton Bomb, Bully Ray pushed him off the top sending Hardy crashing nuts first into the top rope. Ouch! Storm then got in the ring and hit Roode with a Codebreaker and when he went to hit his signature Last Call Superkick, Kurt Angle came from behind and hit him square in the nuts. Damn, lots of sore scrotums tonight huh?


Angle then hit Storm with a weak looking superkick, but Abyss came in and started fucking up both Roode and Angle. He lifted Angle up for the Shock Treatment, but Bully Ray came in and hit him with a big ass fucking chain. The heels then started stomping out the faces. Angle hit the Angle Slam on Storm and Bully Ray started choking Abyss with his chain from inside the ring while Abyss was on the outside. Then in one of the best ending shots I have seen in a long time, Roode locks Hardy in a Crossface while Ray pulls on the chain choking the shit out of Abyss while Angle locked Storm in an Ankle Lock. Wow, that was fucking insane. Pure awesomeness. I’m sure fans of the good guys probably hated that ending, but I fucking loved it. The Genesis PPV is this Sunday so I’m sure the faces will get some type of revenge, but for now, the heels reign supreme.

Impact Wrestling put on a show that was more entertaining than Monday Night RAW this week and the people who blindly hate on TNA just don’t know what they are cheating themselves out of by not watching Impact Wrestling. The Genesis PPV is this Sunday and I’m not sure if I’m going to watch it, but if you’re interested in the PPV or just want to see how the Roode/Hardy and the Angle/Storm feuds have developed going into the PPV then I recommend that you check out the excellent pre-PPV video package “Before The Bell” I included below.

This has been THE IMPACT PLAYER, signing off.

  1. Capt. Smooth
    January 6, 2012 at 6:07 am

    J’s feeling it. An Impact review. Wow!

  2. January 6, 2012 at 8:09 am

    The TNA Knockouts freaking scream non stop whenever they’re on. I can’t take much more of Madison Rayne’s voice. They make me apperciate the awful actors like The Bellas.

    • January 6, 2012 at 8:58 am

      Women like screaming. Have you ever gave a bitch such a good fucking she does nothing but scream? It’s awesome. I do agree that Madison Rayne is one annoying bitch, but c’mon, The Bellas have nothing on the Knockouts.

  3. January 6, 2012 at 8:17 am

    I can’t watch TNA anymore. Maybe someday but right now, it’s hard enough trying to watch WWE’s inconsistent product so I’m not ready to watch an inferior product. Mick Foley was one of the main reasons I watched and now he’s in WWE so I need more reasons to watch. The only guys in TNA I like watching is Hogan and Flair…that’s not good!

    • January 6, 2012 at 9:06 am

      TNA has improved in the last few weeks. No Hogan taking up all the TV time, better matches than you find on RAW and sexy bitches. The only thing they are inferior in is production value and I hate seeing the same fuckers over and over again in the Impact crowd, but I think that the actual show has been much better that WWE’s lately. Now that guys like Roode and Storm are getting pushes it’s never been a better time to start watching. I guess you just like the former WWE guys you are familiar with and that’s the reason they keep signing WWE rejects and pushing them instead of the homegrown talent. Have you ever seen or would you watch ROH? Let me guess, FUCK NO cuz there’s no big former WWE people there, hahaha.

  4. January 6, 2012 at 11:03 am

    I would approve a Knockout show. They can bring in SHIMMER athletes and show the world what Women can really do in a wrestling ring.

    But I’m not sure the creative team of TNA could handle writing two different shows when they have a hard enough time writing one.

    I haven’t seen TNA in a while. Thursday’s are my Fridays lately. But I agree the company has been easier to watch post-Bound for Glory.

    Plus, this might be the only TNA review that contains some positivity.

    • January 7, 2012 at 12:25 am

      Just give Russo the Knockouts show. They could also bring up females from Mexico like Sarita.

      I like TNA for the most part and don’t let IWC judgements hamper my enjoyment of the show. I like WRESTLING not just WWE.

  5. Devastating David
    January 7, 2012 at 3:38 am

    I almost always enjoy TNA. Its gotten better and thanks for giving us more of an positive review.

    • January 7, 2012 at 6:25 pm

      TNA has definitely gotten better lately and they are not PG which is fucking great.

  6. Rob
    January 7, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Doesn’t seem like TNA is very popular on the internet so maybe you should just stick to WWE stuff.

    • January 7, 2012 at 6:28 pm

      I don’t write about things because they are popular, I write because that’s what I felt like writing at the time. I don’t care if nobody likes TNA, I do and I feel like they get a bad wrap just because it’s the in thing to do online.

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