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A WWE Friday Night Smackdown 1/6/12 Review??? Naw, I Rather Get Laid, I NEED To Get Laid by The Blue Ball’d Meanie

A WWE Friday Night Smackdown 1/6/12 Review??? Naw, I Rather Get Laid, I NEED To Get Laid

by The Blue Ball’d Meanie (An INFAMOUS JCITY™ Creation)

Were you expecting a Friday Night Smackdown Review this week? Well, too fucking bad. I’m the Blue Ball’d Meanie and I’m here to bitch about my extremely sucky life as I watch the show I should have been reviewing, Friday Night Smackdown. Are you upset? Does this get you frustrated? Good, because I’ve been frustrated for years, sexually frustrated. The only reason I’m even writing this is because I have nothing else to do on a Friday night. I don’t have many friends, I definitely don’t have a girlfriend and I’m too damn poor to afford a night out on the town. 

As Smackdown starts, the extra faggy Greenday song that opens up the show reminds me that I have no life and I must stay in and watch Smackdown because everything else on TV is lamer than my sex life. Seriously, I need to get laid already. The first match starts and I bet that after the match is over Cody Rhodes and Booker T are going to go home and get so much ass while I sit here and rewatch their match trying to analyze it like the nerd I am. I wish I could find a girl to ANALyze instead. That would be great. I’m beginning to lose all hope of ever getting laid. For once I would like my balls to return to their natural color, instead, I have to live with my permanently swollen blue scrotum. I never expected my life to turn out like this. I think I’m attractive, I know I’m lovable, sure I may be a bit nerdy, but goddamn it, I would make a really fantastic lover.

Seeing my friend’s Facebook and Twitter updates only adds to the frustration I feel. While I’m watching Cody and Booker wrestle for the Intercontinental Championship, my friends are out enjoying life and lining up their next sexual conquest. For once I would like to go out on a Friday night and enjoy a sexual fling. It could be completely random at this point, I no longer care, I JUST NEED TO GET LAID!!!! To make matters worse, Cody successfully defended his championship. I hate that smug looking bastard. I wish he would wake up tomorrow morning just to realize that his penis fell off. Then maybe, just maybe, Cody would feel like I do. Yes, it has gotten to the point that I feel I no longer have a penis since it NEVER gets used. If my dick was a piece of merchandise then it would be a collector’s items considering that it’s still in its original shrink wrapping, blue balls and all.

I’m so pathetic that I have a drawer full of condoms that are well past their expiration dates. Sometimes I would put one on just to see how it feels. Seeing as they might never get used for what they are meant for, I might just end up putting one over my head and killing myself now that Santino will be heavily featured on Smackdown. I hate him more than I hate these blue balls of mines. Seeing Aksana only makes matters worse. I can feel my balls swell up every time she talks in that sexy accent of hers. The pain in my nutsack is becoming unbearable. I fucking hate my life. I really do. I should be spending my Friday nights with a hooker, but I can’t afford the pussy so I’m stuck at home watching wrestling once again.

Wrestling never lets me down though, unlike the female species which doesn’t even know I exist, and speaking of being let down, there goes the woman responsible for so many of my wet dreams, AJ, flirting with the uber nerd of the century, Daniel Bryan. Ugh. I fucking despise Daniel Bryan. He is so gonna get laid after this show and then eat a salad while I cry myself to sleep after eating a gallon of ice cream in hopes that the cold creamy treat will take away my pain. Maybe I should just heat up a grapefruit, cut a hole in it and fuck it. That would be the closest I’ve gotten to some pussy since I petted my cat this morning. Fuck my life.

Even Hornswoggle gets laid which is further proof that there is no God. I’m going to make it my mission to go out next Friday and get some stank on my hang low. The last person that touched my balls was my creepy middle-aged doctor when he grabbed them and told me to cough. Instead of coughing, I embarrassingly got an erection and ran all the way home, crying, with my pants around my ankles. That must have been the worse day of my life because when I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about the warm hands that were just griping my nutsack. No amount of ice cream can get rid of the shame I felt and STILL feel until this very day.

I’m really beginning to think that there is no hope for me. I’m destined to have blue balls for the rest of my life. Instead of buying myself Skyrim for Christmas, I should have invested in a Fleshlight, but I’m so pathic that I fear even the Fleshlight wouldn’t put out for me. At least Ted DiBiase got his ass kicked by some Mexicans. That makes me feel a little bit better about myself, but when it comes to my blue balls, like Wade Barrett’s theme song says, I’VE HAD ENOUGH!!! Speaking of Wade Barrett, I think what he did to Randy Orton last week was awesome. Randy must get laid more than anyone in the WWE, so I’m glad he won’t be getting any action for a while.

Maybe I should just become a WWE Superstar and use my fame to get all the girls I could handle or else I’m just going to end up raping bitches. That’s right, if they won’t give it to me, I’m just going to take it. I’m really temped to become a serial rapist at this point, but even a Blue Ball’d Meanie has to have some morals and a code of ethics, but goddammit, even Jindar Mahal gets laid. All he has to do is blow himself up and he’s automatically promised 72 virgins. At this point I would be happy with 72% of a woman. Give me an amputee, I don’t even care anymore. Just don’t give me a woman like Drew McIntyre’s ex-wife Tiffany. She was a bitch and she messed up his career. Or at least I think that was the reason his push got derailed.

Even Santino has gotten laid before. He has fucked Maria AND Beth Phoenix. What the hell? So not fair. Maybe I should just send him a tweet and ask him for his sister’s phone number. On second thought, I think I would rather die a blue ball’d virgin. Tag team time as Air Boom goes up against Primo and Taco or Epico, I’m not really sure what his name is. Whatevs. I love watching Rosa Mendez, but her fake Spanish accent shrivels up my balls. Hold on, my phone is ringing and I think that might be one of my friends inviting me out for a night of fun. At least I hope so…

Well, that was a fucking disappointment. It was my mother calling me, wondering if I met a girl yet and if I was ever planning on giving her some grandchildren. I told her no and not yet. My answer is always no and not yet. I wish she would stop asking me that. It’s bad enough that I know I’m a loser, I don’t need the constant reminders.

Diva match time and I just got a brilliant idea! I’m going to watch this match in slow motion and fap like I never fapped before. Oh yes, it feels real good to crank on my wang. This has to be the best idea ever! Thank you Friday Night Smackdown. Thank you… for nothing! Even in slow motion that Tamina vs Natalya match was too damn short to properly masturbate to. FUCK!!!!! Now my balls are aching more than ever before. Maybe this wasn’t such a brilliant idea after all. I fear I may never get the sexual satisfaction I so desperately need. Not even from myself. These balls of mine will never get the release they deserve. If I knew my life was going to turn out this way, I would have never swam towards my mothers ovaries back when I was a tiny little sperm cell.

The highlight of my night is going to be watching Big Show challenge Daniel Bryan for the World Heavyweight Championship. If I died tomorrow, that match might just end up being the highlight of my life. I’m so fucking pathetic, but I hold on to the hope that one day I will meet a nice woman who won’t just lead me on just so she can end up leaving me with a broken heart and the bluest of all balls. A nice woman who would let me unleash the fury that is tucked away in my scrotum. A woman who will appreciate me for who I am and watch this damn wrestling show with me.

I hate watching wrestling by myself. I always want to talk about what happened in the show, but there is never anyone there for me. I’m so lonely, but I’ve become accustomed to this life of mines. I no longer give a fuck. What I do give a fuck about is the outcome of this match. Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan. Fuck, now he’s going to get a celebratory blowjob from AJ while I sit here and wallow in self-pity. Maybe I do give a fuck after all. I fucking hate myself. Now excuse me as I tie my underwear around my neck and go hang myself on my ceiling fan.

Goodbye cruel world. You can all suck on my swollen blue balls!

  1. Anonymous
    January 7, 2012 at 3:23 am

    This was great. Please don’t kill off the Blue Balls Meanie. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of him in the future.

  2. Rob
    January 7, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Now this is pure 24k gold. Blue Ball’d Meanie should write more reviews. This was so damn funny that I had to read it two times in a row.

    • January 7, 2012 at 6:30 pm

      Too bad he isn’t around to read such praise, it would have made his life worth living.

      RIP Blue Ball’d Meanie.

  3. Black Metal Death Metal
    January 7, 2012 at 8:16 am

    This is wicked mate. Keep up the good work.

  4. January 7, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Blue meanie bro… There’s always other options! You could go pick up a prostitute on the side of the street or something, ahaha.

  5. Capt. Smooth
    January 7, 2012 at 11:37 am

    That pic on the bottom…What was it?(kidding)

    • January 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

      I wonder if that was a real snowman.

      “Mommy…look at that snowman…it looks that thingy that Uncle Frank lets me touch.”

      “Look away Jimmy…wait..WHAT?!”

      • January 7, 2012 at 6:34 pm

        Lmmfao. It was a big white cock [||]Pause.

        • Capt. Smooth
          January 7, 2012 at 7:39 pm

          Just wrong, Tony!

          • January 7, 2012 at 7:45 pm

            Blame the guy who built that snowman. And I really wanted to be wrong…I would have named him Jerry instead of Frank.

            • January 7, 2012 at 7:46 pm

              **And IF I really wanted to be wrong**

              • Capt. Smooth
                January 7, 2012 at 7:47 pm

                Uncle Frank has problems. Was he a priest?(sorry)

                • January 7, 2012 at 8:05 pm

                  I had a HS teacher named Father Frank…RIP.

                  • Capt. Smooth
                    January 7, 2012 at 8:06 pm

                    I had one in 2nd grade named Mrs. Harree. We called her Mrs. Harreeble.

  6. January 7, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    How’d you finally convince Smooth to write, CITY?

  7. January 7, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    This was the story of my life…how’d ya know?


  8. January 7, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    Tony Kegger :
    I wonder if that was a real snowman.
    “Mommy…look at that snowman…it looks that thingy that Uncle Frank lets me touch.”
    “Look away Jimmy…wait..WHAT?!”

    No wonder why Lil’ Jimmy’s so messed up.

    • January 7, 2012 at 11:51 pm


    • Capt. Smooth
      January 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

      I don’t know if Jimmy is messed up or if it’s Truth. Maybe Truth is the original “Little Jimmy”?

      • January 8, 2012 at 11:21 am

        I was thinking that too…

        • Capt. Smooth
          January 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

          It would be a pretty good twist.

          • January 9, 2012 at 12:05 am

            If Little Jimmy catches on will WWE sell Little Jimmy hats?

            • Capt. Smooth
              January 9, 2012 at 5:39 am

              Have Brodus Clay be Truth’s bodygaurd and call him Big Jimmy.

  1. January 14, 2012 at 10:50 am

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