Home > Uncategorized > THE REAL RAW SHYT: My Thoughts On Monday Night RAW 1/9/12

THE REAL RAW SHYT: My Thoughts On Monday Night RAW 1/9/12

THE REAL RAW SHYT: My Thoughts On Monday Night RAW 1/9/12


Last week’s return of “THE REAL RAW SHYT” was supposed to be a one time thing, but due to popular demand and a very decent showing in the hits department, I decided to bring it back again this week. Believe it or not, I take everything you guys say into consideration when it comes to the site because at the end of the day this is all done for your entertainment. Whether you love it or hate it don’t hesitate to let me know. I’m still debating whether I should focus more on reviews or other type of columns, but it seems that you guys prefer Monday Night RAW over any other wrestling show on the air right now so it would be stupid of me not to take advantage of all the potential hits and discussions any given episode of Monday Night RAW might generate. For now, “THE REAL RAW SHYT” will be done on a week to week basis. I will try to make this a permanent fixture on the site, but if I happen to miss a show or two here and there due to what would probably be a case of severe laziness, then so fucking be it. Enough of this intro crap though, let’s get right into “THE REAL RAW SHYT”. 

The show opened up with Kane coming out and ripping the crowd for not embracing the hate. He feels that everyone is a hypocrite and when they say “Cena Sucks” it just means that they suck because they are just taking their frustrations with their crappy everyday live’s out on Cena. I thought that was very counterproductive to what Kane has said for the last few weeks, but I think I’m starting to understand the bigger picture here. This isn’t just your ordinary wrestling angle, this is one huge mind fucking courtesy of the WWE. If they could make everyone feel like a loser for hating on Cena, people will eventually want to stop doing it so they won’t be looked down on. The more they push this John Cena hate agenda, the more it’s bound to turn his haters into supporters, maybe not right away, but definitely in the long run. I thought it was smart of the WWE to embrace the Cena hate, but I never thought they would end up force feeding it to the masses. When you keep forcing someone to think one way, their natural reaction is for them to do the opposite. Reverse psychology at its finest. If this is indeed what WWE is trying to do, then I applaud their forward thinking. This might just be the smartest thing they have ever done, but then again, maybe I’m just over thinking this whole angle and should just take it based on face value like the rest of the WWE Universe, right?

Anyways, Kane is damn fucking good on the mic. My favorite part of his promo was when he ripped on the fans for making Zack Ryder a star and then he said that it all means nothing. Awesome. Those are my feelings exactly. I know we have alot of Dick Ryders  Ryder supporters in the IWC, but Kane is 100% right. Just because you cheer someone and demand to see them in a prominent role doesn’t mean that it’s good for business or that they deserve it. Ryder is nothing more than a novelty act that is getting a push not because of easily impressed fans, but because John Cena decided to attach himself on Ryder’s nuts like a third testicle. Based on wrestling skills alone, he doesn’t deserve anything more than the opening match on Superstars where he could join the JTG’s and Alex Riley’s of the WWE. Call me a hater if you want, but I’m only speaking the truth and some people can’t handle the truth.

So yeah, John Cena had enough of Kane’s crap so he came out and took the fight right to “The Big Red Monster”. The two Superstars fought their way to the arena’s loading dock. Kane was getting the best of Cena until Cena hit Kane with a crowbar out of desperation. Kane chopped Cena in the neck and sent him crashing down into a pile of garbage. By the time Cena got up, Kane had already disappeared. Kane isn’t the type to run away from a fight so chalk that one up to mind games. I must admit that at first I was skeptical about this whole Kane vs Cena angle, but I’ve enjoyed it so far. I cant wait to see where this goes next because it has a feeling of unpredictability that has been seriously lacking from wrestling lately.

Santino and Sheamus teamed up to go against Jinder Mahal and Wade Barrrett in tag team action. I’m a Sheamus fan, but if they keep teaming him up with the likes of Hornswoggle and Santino for the sake of getting cheap face pops then I’m fucking done supporting the “Human Jar Of Mayonnaise”. Anyways, I’ve heard great things about Jinder, but I haven’t really seen anything from him since his debut. Another talent wasted I guess and as soon as I typed that, Sheamus Brogue Kick’d the curry right out of Jinder Mahal’s ass and adds insult to injury by tagging in Santino who hits him with the Cobra for the win. This match didn’t really serve a purpose. Blah.

Backstage The Miz is acting like a little bitch. He fears R-Truth so he bitches to Johnny Ace about how he’s been getting his ass kicked by Truth on a weekly basis. John says that he can’t help The Miz because he has a Supershow to run and tonight will finally see the (re)debut of Brodus Clay. Miz doesn’t care about any of that, but John tells him that while he can’t offer The Miz any protection, he wouldn’t be against Miz finding his own. John then says that he is not Little Jimmy, he’s Big Johnny. I laughed for that. Big Johnny is growing on me.


ON THIS DAY, I SEE CLEARLY, EDGE IS IN THE HALL OF FAME!!!!!!!! FUCK YES!!!!!!!! Edge is the first inductee in the 2012 WWE Hall Of Fame class and I couldn’t be a happier fan right now. I had goosebumps the whole time they played his Hall Of Fame video package that highlighted his illustrious career. I even stood up and clapped at the end of it. I wasn’t playing when I said that I was a big Edge fan in the past, I fucking ment that shit and for me this is the crowning moment of one of the best wrestling careers I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. You better believe your sweet little ass that I will be glued to my television on March 31st when the “Rated R Superstar” is officially inducted into the WWE Hall Of Fame. No other WWE Superstar that has rising to prominence in the last 10 years deserves this more. Not John Cena. Not Randy Orton. Not CM Punk. Nobody.

Miz was shown backstage again, this time trying to recruit Mason Ryan to help him out with his R-Truth problem. Mason turned down the opportunity to help The Miz, which to me was fucking retarded. It’s not like he’s doing anything else at the moment.

Zack Ryder was also shown backstage where he was talking on the phone telling his father he was scared of Kane, but then he switched it up when Ms. Cleft Chin herself, Eve, came walking by. The segment wasn’t anything special until Ryder and Eve walked off and Kane opened up a door, poked his head out and then disappeared again. I don’t know why I found that amusing, but I did, and if it means that Kane is planning on stalking and killing Zack Ryder then I’m all for it.

Up next was a Champion vs Champion Match as Tag Team Champion, Kofi Kingston, went head to head with World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan. This match proved why the big gold belt is far superior to the ugly ass bronze tag title as Bryan made short work out of Kingston. After the match, Big Show came out and expressed frustrations with the way their World Heavyweight Championship Match ended last week on Smackdown, which Bryan won by disqualification when he instigated Mark Henry to put his hands on him. Bryan felt the same so he gave Big Show another match for the title anytime he wanted. Big Show wanted his rematch this Friday night on Smackdown in a No Disqualification Match. Bryan didn’t look too confident, but he still accepted the match. Cue full on heel turn in 5,4,3,2,1…

Up next was Brodus Clay (re)debuting as The Funkasaurus? What in the fuck was that shit? Wow. After a month of anticipation and delayed returns they stick this gimmick on Clay? Really? Really? What a fucking goofy ass gimmick. It’s like Flash Funk and Rikishi had a baby that stole Ernest “The Cat” Miller’s theme song and raided Run DMC’s closet. The Funkasaurus is a dancing machine and he came out with two dancers which are big booty Naomi from NXT Season 3 fame and Cameron Lynn, who was the very first person eliminated from last year’s Tough Enough show. His opponent was Curt Hawkins who I haven’t seen in forever. Good to see him on RAW, but he got fucking squashed by the big dancing blob of funky fat formerly known as Brodus Clay. I’m really at a loss for words. While I would usually hate such a disastrous gimmick, The Funkasaurus won me over with his comedic mannerisms and in-ring ab-libs every time he would hit a move. I have to see more of this Funkasaurus character before I could really formulate an opinion on him. As of right now I don’t like The Funkasaurus name, but I don’t necessarily hate the gimmick either. One thing is for sure though, I was not expecting to see Brodus Clay getting jiggy with it and pandering to the crowd. To say I was surprised would be an understatement.

Zack Ryder was shown in the bathroom brushing his teeth in order to be fresh for Eve. Kane quickly appeared in the mirror and Zack questioned if he really saw Kane or if he was losing his mind. I’m loving the mind games from Kane.

Miz was shown backstage where he asked Primo and Epico for protection against R-Truth, but Rosa Mendez tells him to fuck off in one of the fakest sounding spanish accents I have ever heard in my life.

CM Punk vs Jack Swagger was up next. Johnny Ace came out before the match started and said that if Jack Swagger lost then he and Vickie would be banned from ringside at the Royal Rumble when Dolph Ziggler challenges Punk for the WWE Championship. Ace also made a match between Ziggler and Cena for later on in the show. A few weeks ago I would have told you that Ace was a heel, but he’s been coming off as a tweener lately. Anyways, this was a very decent television match. I was expecting a wrestling clinic from these two, but the pacing for most of the match was too slow for my liking. It started to pick up towards the end when Punk and Swagger started going move for move while reversing every move they threw at each other. CM Punk ended up picking up the victory after a top rope elbow drop which I thought was weird seeing as Punk never wins a match that way. Also, it looked like the ref blew the call as I could clearly see Swagger get his shoulders up at two. The replay even proved this to be true. I’m surprise they didn’t restart the match. Maybe there was a time constraint or something. I don’t know, but that ending was a bit odd. Another complaint that I have about this match is that the spot calling was extremely sloppy as I could see Swagger and Punk communicate with each other more often than not. I guess that’s one of the main reasons almost every wrestler would have long hair back in the day, to be able to cover their faces while calling spots.

A paranoid Zack Ryder was shown backstage talking to John Cena about his paranoia, but all Cena could do was talk about Twitter. Reason 273 I hate Zack Ryder; his friendship with John Cena. WWE needs to make an anti Zack Ryder T-shirt. Like pronto. While they’re at it, I would also be interested in picking up an anti Santino T-shirt too.

The Identical Cocksuckers, better known as The Bella Twins, confused Ricardo Rodriguez for a carrier pigeon and asked him to deliver a message to Alberto Del Rio until the Miz rudely interrupted them and demanded that Ricardo go to the ring and say the most offensive things he could think off in order to lure R-Truth to the ring. At first Ricardo refused to do it, but The Miz threatened to injure him if he didn’t. Ricardo being the push over that he is reluctantly agreed.

The next inductees into the 2012 WWE Hall Of Fame were none other than the best version of The Four Horsemen! I think this was a great pick and it would be great to finally see Arn Anderson get the recognition he deserves as The Enforcer of the now legendary wrestling stable. I was also a fan of Barry Windham’s work back in the days and his matches against his former Four Horsemen partner Ric Flair was the stuff of legends. Flair is already in the Hall Of Fame, but hey, his career is one of those rare legendary careers that deserve to be inducted into the Hall Of Fame twice. “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair was just that damn good. WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It will be interesting to see if TNA allows Flair to not only attend the Hall Of Fame ceremony, but if they would allow him to take part in a Four Horsemen acceptance speech. I would hope so, but I’ve seen pettiness rear its ugly head in this business before so we’re just gonna have to see about that. The 2012 WWE Hall Of Fame is shaping up to be one of the best classes this decade. I can’t wait to see who else makes it in.

In the ring they showed a very timid Ricardo Rodriguez trying his best to offend R-Truth by calling him a bad man, saying that his mother is extremely ugly and has a mustache, saying he smells like a wet donkey, and saying that his breath stinks. Elementary school level insults, but they worked seeing as how R-Truth came out. Truth starts bugging out and makes Ricardo sing “La Cucaracha” song, which the crowd absolutely loved. I admit that I laughed at the stupidity of the whole segment, but I would have rather seen The Miz step up to Truth like a man. Anyways, Truth wanted Ricardo to sing the song again, but Ricardo slapped the mic out of Truth’s hands which infuriated him. Truth then hit Ricardo with his Paydirt finisher that he stole from Shelton Benjamin. Miz came out and fucked Truth up, but Truth ended up getting the upper hand and sent The Miz running through the crowd like the coward that he is. It’s now apparent that The Miz doesn’t  have any nuts in that empty pouch he calls a scrotum. PIPEBOMB!!!!!!

BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!!!!!!! Now let’s see if JeriTROLL actually says anything this week. Nope. While everyone though he was going to cut his heel promo this week, Jericho ended up doing exactly what I said he was going to do and that’s pull the same bullshit he pulled last week, and just like I said last week, if he ended up doing this again I was fucking done with him so fuck him. I’m officially turning in my Jericho fan card. The whole “It Begins” campaign was a complete failure and it’s by far the biggest disappointment of the year. Chris Jericho can go fuck himself and his whole entire legacy can suck on my freshly shaved balls… proverbially speaking of course.

Eve was supposed to face Beth Phoenix and if she won she was going to get a Divas Championship opportunity, but instead Kane’s theme music played while Eve was in the ring so Zack Ryder came out and saved her from impending doom. They both ran to the back where Zack stuck her in an ugly ass pea green Kia. They were going to drive off because there is nothing scarier that wrestling theme music, but one of the back tires was slashed. Ryder then got his mechanic on and tried to fix the tire as Eve screamed in fear. I don’t understand why they couldn’t just drive off on three wheels, run, catch a cab, or even went inside and called the police. This whole segment reminded me of a crappy straight to DVD horror movie, but to say that I didn’t find it amusing would be a lie.

John Cena vs Dolph Ziggler was next and it was the usual awesomeness displayed by Ziggler. His show-off gimmick was amped up during this match as Dolph locked Cena in a headlock while standing on his head. He also busted out some sit ups. I thought his cocky attitude in the match was great, but you can’t be doing that shit against John Cena because all Cena needs is one second to turn the tables on your ass. Anyways, Cena got distracted by footage of Kane assaulting Zack Ryder out on the loading dock. Kane ended up chokeslamming Ryder off the loading dock as the match kept going on. Dolph tried to take advantage of the situation by locking Cena in a sleeper hold, but Cena rammed him into the steel steeps before running off to help his friend. RAW ended with Kane getting the best of Cena and an extremely awesome shot of what looked to be a dead Zack Ryder.

Final Thoughts

This episode of Monday Night Raw was a step above last week’s due to the heavy focus on storyline progression. This whole episode told the story of a deranged Kane playing mind games on Zack Ryder and getting the best of John Cena at every turn. It furthered the Ryder and Eve storyline as Ryder tried his best to make sure Eve was safe from Kane. If he wasn’t tapping that ass before, he definitely earned enough points to get some pussy now. The Kane/Cena/Ryder/Eve story wasn’t the only story told throughout the whole show either as The Miz’s fear of a R-Truth beatdown consumed him as he desperately tried to convince people to help him out in his quest to put an end to the beatdowns. In a show that usually features a bunch of segments and matches that never intertwine, it was refreshing to see two coherent and well told stories take place during the same two-hour broadcast with the Kane storyline being the best one told.

I’m loving the fact that Edge will be a Hall Of Famer in a couple of months, but at the same time, it’s a bit bittersweet. Edge was forced to retire and seeing clips of his career just reminds me of how great he was and makes me wonder what the future would have held for the “Rated R Superstar” had he not been forced to retire. His induction in the Hall Of Fame kills any hope I ever had for a return, but I’m glad the WWE can give Edge the accolades he deserves while he is still alive to enjoy it. I’m sure his acceptance speech is going to be an emotional moment for both him and his fans and I’m looking forward to seeing Edge have the spotlight one more time. I’m also glad that The Four Horsemen are getting into the Hall Of Fame too. The Horsemen showed everybody how a wrestling stable was supposed to function and laid the blueprint for everybody else that followed. Flair can never get enough praise in the world of professional wrestling and it’s a great feeling knowing that Arn Anderson will be getting some recognition for the things he has done in the business. Tully and Windham too.

Jericho continues to piss me off and I’m THIS close to starting a bonfire with all the Jericho merchandise I own. If he keeps this up then books and DVD’s will surely be burning next week.

The Funkasaurus totally caught me off guard. Brodus is one big intimidating looking motherfucker and to see him out there smiling, dancing and having a good time was weird. While I’m not feeling the name The Funkasaurus, I think the gimmick can be fun in the next coming weeks. Maybe Brodus runs with it and makes the best of the situation or maybe he snaps at Johnny Ace for giving him the gimmick and destroys him, either way I’m interested to see where this goes. The gimmick reminds me of a time in the 80’s and 90’s that featured alot of silly gimmicks. The Funkasaurus reminds me of Rikishi in Too Cool with all the dancing, The Godfather with his two little hoes and Funk Flash all mixed in one. Only time will tell what becomes of this gimmick, but as of right now I don’t necessarily hate it.

I liked this edition of Monday Night RAW, but do you want to know the real reason why? It’s because ZACK RYDER IS FUCKING DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. January 10, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Is Kane really that scary? Do Zack and Eve not remeber Kane chasing Edge and Paul Bearer on Smackdown? They could have crab walked back to the hotel and Kane wouldn’t be able to keep up, what has he going to do, chase them down the street? They could moon walk away from him while throwing Easter eggs filled with glitter on him. They could have piggy backed away from him.

    Also, fuck Jericho.

    • January 10, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      Ha, it’s true. They had all the time in the world to get away, but didn’t, It’s all Ryder’s fault though because Eve was about to run out the car and get the fuck out of there, but Ryder thought he was a mechanic. They didn’t even bother to turn the car on or anything. Masked Kane is awesome though.

      • January 10, 2012 at 11:56 pm

        And Kane wasn’t even after Eve. He was after Ryder. If I had a monster chasing me I wouldn’t stop running to change a tire.

        He should slash Kane’s tires next week…unless Kane can teleport like Undertaker and doesn’t need a car.

        • January 11, 2012 at 1:00 am

          I thought Undertaker rode a motorcycle. He keeps rollin rollin rollin rollin. When he runs out of gas he just gets chauffeured in a hearse.

  2. January 10, 2012 at 10:57 am

    This Jericho dude is such a dumbo!

    • January 10, 2012 at 10:29 pm

      He has officially pissed me off. He can leave again and go tour with his band for all I care.

      • January 10, 2012 at 11:59 pm

        Maybe he’ll come out and laugh next week, then get really mad the week after that.

        Jericho’s new gimmick is having moods swings like a pregnant women.

        • January 11, 2012 at 1:01 am

          Kane should kill him next because at this point he is the only on trying to bring forth the end of the world.

  3. Stephen
    January 10, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Just give it up already. Nobody cares about your stupid little reviews.

  4. January 10, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    While I liked what Jericho did last week. I disagree with him doing it again. I understand what he’s doing at this point but the crying and all was a little much. If he does it again next week, then don’t take up 5-7 minutes of RAW doing what could have been accomplished in two.

    As for Brodus…


    I was like that the entire time. Tho, I have to give it to Brodus. He took that character and ran with it.

    • January 10, 2012 at 10:34 pm

      I’m starting to think that Jericho can’t speak because the girl from the videos won’t let him. After all she holds the key to his return and his return is missing something. Its been weird to say the least.

      • Capt. Smooth
        January 11, 2012 at 5:45 am

        That would be pretty cool, but has said, “Come on, baby!” during his return.

  5. Black Metal Death Metal
    January 10, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Solid review mate. The Funkasaurus rocks!

    • January 10, 2012 at 10:36 pm

      Thanks. The Funkasaurus was definitely an interesting character and Brodus was right, I sure didn’t expect that. That whole segment felt more like a troll job than whatever the hell Jericho is doing, but unlike Jericho, Brodus was entertaining.

  6. Crazy Train
    January 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Brodus is the best thing to happen to wrestling since Hakeem the Dancing Machine. If you dont know who that is, look him up.

    • January 10, 2012 at 10:38 pm

      Lol, wasn’t he the Shockmaster?

      • Capt. Smooth
        January 11, 2012 at 5:45 am

        Tugboat was The Shockmaster.

        • January 11, 2012 at 10:04 am

          Akeem was a fat white guy eho thought he was African. He looked like Tugboat to me.

          • Capt. Smooth
            January 11, 2012 at 7:04 pm

            Akeem was The One Man Gang. Shockmaster is Cody’s real-life uncle.

  7. Capt. Smooth
    January 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    So, how long until we see Brodus “do” The Spinarooni?

    • January 10, 2012 at 10:39 pm

      He should try, end up breaking the ring then say “Whoops, my bad”.

      • Capt. Smooth
        January 11, 2012 at 5:46 am

        I would mark the fuck out!

        • January 11, 2012 at 10:05 am

          I think I would too. I liked the unrealistic nature of RAW this week. Alot of people seem to hate it, but i thought it was a fun show.

  8. Rob
    January 12, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I thought Brodus Clay was awesome on Monday. The Kane stuff was a bit too over the top for me though and I don’t like the depush of Zack Ryder.

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