Home > Smackdown, The Blue Ball'd Meanie, THE INFAMOUS JCITY™, WWE > A WWE Friday Night Smackdown 1/13/12 Review? Naw, I Rather Lose A Few Pounds, I NEED To Lose A Few Pounds by The Blue Ball’d Meanie

A WWE Friday Night Smackdown 1/13/12 Review? Naw, I Rather Lose A Few Pounds, I NEED To Lose A Few Pounds by The Blue Ball’d Meanie

No, I don't weigh 109lbs. The damn scale overlapped. FML!

A WWE Friday Night Smackdown 1/13/12 Review? Naw, I Rather Lose A Few Pounds, I NEED To Lose A Few Pounds

by The Blue Ball’d Meanie (An INFAMOUS JCITY™ Creation)

My life is one big epic failure. If you tuned in last week you would remember that I tied my underwear around my neck and hung myself from my ceiling fan in hopes of ending my pathetic life, but like always, nothing ever goes the way I plan it. You see, as soon as I looped my extra sturdy Fruit of the Loom around the ceiling fan, the ceiling started to crack as the fan and I violently came crashing down to the floor. Apparently, not only am I a blue ball’d virgin, I’m also a severely obese fat ass whose self-esteem has plundered into non-existence. I also have a big fucking hole in my ceiling that I have to repair. Fuck my life! I should not even bother to fix it and just try to commit suicide again, but Friday Night Smackdown and those damn WWE wrestling storylines are so intriguing that they have become my sole reason to keep on living. Too bad I have to stay in on a Friday night once again to watch it though. I really need to get a life. The only reason I’m even writing this is because I have nothing else to do on a Friday night. I don’t have many friends, I definitely don’t have a girlfriend and I’m too damn poor to afford a night out on the town. Hopefully I don’t go on a never-ending rant about my extremely sucky life like I did last week, but I’m not making any promises. 

Smackdown opened up with the always awful “Do you know your enemy” song sung by the emo queers of the century, Greenday. I fucking hate that song. Not only does it symbolize yet another Friday night of me staying home and rotting away on my couch, getting fatter and fatter as all of my friends go out and have a good ol’ time, but it also reminds me of all the various enemies I have encountered in my life. Trans fats, high cholesterol, carbs, sugar, and the threat of type 2 diabetes are my mortal enemies, but the main enemy in my life right now is this fat fucking stomach of mines that has stretched out various articles of clothing rendering them unwearable and has blocked the view of my dick since 1997 thus being one of the major contributions to the fact that I’m still a fucking blue ball’d virgin. As I sat and watched Smackdown, eating Cool Ranch Doritos’ like I always do, I took a second to re-evaluate my life. What have I become? When I look in the mirror, I find my reflection to be repulsive. I’m sure girls have the same reaction when they see me since nobody has touched my penis since Big Booty Julie gave me a handjob back in 2003, but I’ll get back to that a bit later. Anyways, WWE Superstars are some of the most physically fit people on the planet and here I am watching them week after week to the point where I basically worship the very ground they walk on, but I don’t let them influence me to get in shape as I stay letting myself go by being a professional couch potato. All Smackdown has done lately is remind me of how much of a lard ass I’ve become, but it wasn’t always like this…

I was once an innocent young boy, naive to the cold cruel world I was going to encounter as I got older, but not only that, I was in the best physical shape of my life. Or so I thought. Once I started going to school I soon realized that I was different from everybody else. I was slightly overweight and all the kids would pick on me because of it. Instead of trying to lose the weight, I ate everything I could find in order to cope with the new-found pain I had in my life courtesy of bullying. Not only did I eat school lunch, but I would also bring in food from home. While the other kids where trading Pokémon cards, I was trading the tuna sandwich my mom made me for cookies and other various sweets. As the years went by, I started getting bigger. I didn’t have many friends because of it, so instead of playing outside with the rest of the kids, I would always stay in and watch wrestling. It offered me an escape from my everyday life filled with ridicule and shame. All I ever wanted to do was be normal like everybody else, but it seemed that I was doomed to be the outcast. My weight became a bigger issue when I hit puberty. I once found girls to be icky, but once I sprouted my first pubic hair I started to think of them sexually. I wanted a girlfriend so bad, but the girls would never give me the time of day. I was too young to think that they were discriminating on me because of my weight and the way I saw it back then the girls I liked seemed to be infatuated with the bullies, thus the Meanie was born.

My heel turn didn’t go quite as planned though. While I started beating up on smaller, less defensive kids, I started to get in trouble with the adults. The first time I got suspended from school was a nightmare. My mother beat my ass with an electrical cord and made me stand outside naked for 20 minutes. I was so embarrassed, but that didn’t deter me from heeling it up. I took out all of my frustrations by handing out wedgies, intimidating other kids for their lunch money and demanding that everybody respect me. They didn’t though. Respect is a thing that has to be given in order for it to be earned and all of the other kids could see right through my act. Instead of calling me a fat ass to my face, people would now do it behind my back. They found a way to exclude me from my own bullying and that pissed me off. Girls that would have felt sorry for me before and might have ended up giving me some pity sex now hated my guts and avoided me at all cost. All I ever wanted was for a girl to love me the way AJ loves Daniel Bryan, but I would have settled for a quick blowjob. I fucked up big time by turning into an asshole. I thought girls loved the that shit and I felt I had to douche it up in order to be accepted by society, but society would never accept me because of my physical appearance and that fucking sucked. Guys like Cody Rhodes make it seem so cool to be a heel, but then you have the David Otunga’s of the world who can only beat the Santino’s and still not be able to shake of the stigma of being a loser. I had become a David Otunga type loser.

As the years passed by, I decided to switch up my act and become the token lovable funny fat guy you see in all the popular Hollywood movies. While that endeared me to the female population, it still didn’t do me any favors in the sex department. I was doomed to live the rest of my life as a fat loser who couldn’t even give away his virginity away for free on Craigslist. After realizing the failure that I’ve become, I decided to stop living life for myself and turn my worthlessness into something that could help other people. I wanted to become a hero people could look up to regarding of my size. I wanted to be the equivalent of an overweight John Cena, so I decided to become a superhero. The only problem with that was that I’m an unreliable fat lazy slob who would rather stay home and eat pizza’s all day instead of going out and fighting crime. Plus there is no amount of spandex in the world that can cover this fat ass. Every outfit I made always busted at the seams. I’m too poor to afford a new outfit every other day so I gave up on my dreams of becoming a hero as I slipped back into Meanie mode. I was starting to become depressed and no amount of food stamp brought food could make me feel any better. I was in a funk.

Speaking of funk, have you guys seen The Funkasaurus? I love Brodus Clay’s new gimmick. It gives hope to all of us fat guys that no longer do we have to look a certain way to be accepted by society. We have the ability to squash all of the little skinny jerks like Tyson Kidd, which is a great message to deliver to the overweight masses if you ask me. The Funkasaurus reminded me of a time where I tried out to be a WWE Superstar and got turned down because of my weight. I was devastated. It was always my dream to become a pro wrestler, so when they told me that they could never use a guy like me I took it extremely personal and started to gorge on all types of food to help relieve my new-found disappointment. I even went on strike and stopped watching wrestling all together, but that only lasted about two weeks. I couldn’t go on not knowing what was going on with my favorite WWE Superstars, but their rejection made me feel like a loser, like a Drew McIntyre. Seeing a fat lard ass such as The Funkasaurus getting funky in the ring is a win for not only him, but all overweight men with aspirations of one day making it to the WWE. I still hold on to the hope that I will one day be a part of that organization. I think I move fast enough for a big guy and I can pull off a hell of a dropkick.

Truth be told though, I’ve become a bit of a dreamer, hoping and wishing for things that will never be. As I take a good look in the mirror, I realize that if I don’t change now, I will die soon. You see, I’m morbidly obese. This is no longer a case of trying to lose a little bit of weight to impress a female or become a pro wrestler, this is now a life or death situation for me. Sitting around all day writing on the Internet, playing video games, eating, and watching TV have taken its toll on my body. Next week’s Smackdown emanates from Las Vegas and while I would love to make the trip out there and catch the show live, there is no way I can afford the two airplane seats it would take for me to board the plane. My life fucking sucks and to add to that my doctor thinks I’m one sweet snack away from diabetes. The type of diabetes that will force my leg to be amputated, Kamala style. I’m not ready for all that. I need to start making changes in my life in order to live longer and become the man I was destined to be, and hopefully get fucking laid already.

If you haven’t noticed already, I’m really sick of being a virgin. Every girl I’ve ever meet has either rejected me or led me on only to give me a serious case of the blue balls. The only girl who ever touched my dick was Big Booty Julie from up the street. Like me, she is also obese, but she has one of the biggest asses I’ve ever seen in my life. I was all set to tap that back in 2003, but my inexperience in the sex department reared its ugly head. You see, one day Julie had came over to watch Smackdown with me and one thing lead to another. We started making out and the next thing you know I had her big fat tit in my mouth. I suckled that tit like it was the last tit in the world. She started getting horny, so she unzipped my pants and started tugging on my dick. The thing was my dick wouldn’t get erect. She tugged at my flaccid penis for about 10 minutes before running away in disgust. My moment of truth proved to be an epic failure. Me and Julie are still friends ’til this day, but things haven’t been the same between us since then. Our friendship is only based on our mutual love for wrestling, salty snacks and motorcycles. I think the main reason I couldn’t get hard for her was because I always envisioned myself with a WWE Diva type of woman. The image of losing my virginity to such a fat bitch was enough to turn me off for a lifetime. Don’t even get me started on the fact that her fat sausage like fingers were actually bigger than my dick. It’s been 9 years since my penis saw any type of action and I think it’s about damn time that I change that.

It’s good to have goals like Cody Rhodes wanting to becoming the next Ultimate Warrior by holding both the World Title and the Intercontinental Title at the same time. All I want to do is lose enough weight to be able to finally see my dick for once. Once I feel comfortable in my own body, I will gain the confidence needed to get laid. No longer will people make fun of me. No longer do I have to isolate myself by staying in on Friday nights. No longer will I feel shame as I look in the mirror. I’ve hated myself for the longest time and I would love to love who I am. Starting this week I’m going to join a gym and start working on making myself physical fit. Not only so I could become sexually desired, not for my self-image, but for my health. I don’t want to be like Big Show and kill my next potential sexual conquest by running into them with my fat ass. My goal is to lose 150lbs by the end of the year and I will die trying to meet that goal. I don’t know if I’ll be back next week as I have alot of work to do to in order to reach my goal, but if I ever come back, I promise to have a legit WWE Friday Night Smackdown Review instead of going on a never-ending rant about my extremely sucky life. Hopefully I will have some good news regarding my weight loss progress too. Until next time, this has been The Blue Ball’d Meanie, signing off.

  1. January 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

    What the hell do you even need a women for? You already have tits and bitch like one anyways. I don’t know why JCITY let you put all those pictures up either.

    I thought the ending of Smackdown was awesome, though. I think Bryan’s heel turn is going to work out better than Christian’s did.

    • January 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

      Lmmfao. The Blue Ball’d Meanie has bitch tits and is one emotional motherfucker if I ever seen one. As for Daniel Bryan, I think he should have beat the hell out of Big Show for what he did to AJ. I felt cheated since the match didn’t have a finish. Not even a cheap one like last week. This feud is being dragged out until the Royal Rumble I guess.

  2. Capt. Smooth
    January 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  3. Capt. Smooth
    January 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  4. Capt. Smooth
    January 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  5. Capt. Smooth
    January 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    It was alright.

    • January 14, 2012 at 12:42 pm

      Lol, what the hell is so funny?

      • Capt. Smooth
        January 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm

        The column! Those pics were priceless!

        • January 14, 2012 at 1:46 pm

          “I fuck on the first date.”

          That kid must have awesome/completely unfit parents.

          • January 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

            Try not to fap to Big Booty Julie, lol.

            • Capt. Smooth
              January 14, 2012 at 5:51 pm

              I’ll pass.

              • January 15, 2012 at 2:59 pm

                You know you wanna hit that.

                • Capt. Smooth
                  January 15, 2012 at 5:22 pm

                  No, it would charge at me.

                  • January 16, 2012 at 6:13 am

                    You would fall between them cheeks never to be found again… unless she farted you out of course.

                    • Capt. Smooth
                      January 16, 2012 at 8:48 am

                      *hurls*

  6. Rob
    January 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    The Meanie lives! I thought he was dead after last week so I almost pissed myself when I read that the only reason he lived is because he was too fat and broke the ceiling fan. I don’t know how you come up with this stuff but this was awesome. I wouldn’t mind seeing more from The Blue Ball’d Meanie and seeing if he ended up losing any weight or if he ever gets laid.

    • January 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

      I’m hoping he doesn’t lose any weight and continues to have an extremely sucky life.

  7. Stephen
    January 15, 2012 at 3:59 am

    So this is your life story huh? I knew you were a loser.

    • January 15, 2012 at 3:02 pm

      This was written for fun. I’m not a virgin nor am I obese, but these are the average stereotype for the average writer on the Internet so I thought I would have fun with it. Up next is the wonderful world of basement dwelling, lol.

  8. January 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

    I watched Smackdown last night and sadly it looks like Daniel Bryan is a heel. I wish the WWE can be more creative because it is VERY similar to Punk’s heel turn in 2009.

    Punk- Cashed in his MITB briefcase on face Jeff Hardy right after Hardy won the WHC for the first time in his WWE career.

    Bryan- Cashed in his MITB briefcase on face Big Show right after Big Show won the WHC for the first time in his WWE career.

    Punk- Tried to convince Jeff Hardy afterwards that he is not a bad guy and was just taking advantage of the opportunity.

    Bryan- Tried to convince Big Show afterwards that he is not a bad guy and was just taking advantage of the opportunity.

    Punk- Faked an eye injury in his first title defense vs. Hardy and ended up retaining via disqualification. He denied that he faked the injury.

    Bryan- Was able to successfully get Mark Henry to attack him in his first title defense vs. Big Show and ended up retaining via disqualification. He denied that he intentionally angered Mark Henry so Mark would attack him.

    If Daniel Bryan starts talking about how he’s a vegan and Big Show likes meat (PAUSE) which makes Big Show a bad person, then I will riot.

    • Capt. Smooth
      January 15, 2012 at 11:22 am

      I’ve noticed there relly isn’t a reason for the change. Big Show did mention how DB had changed sinse winning the title, so maybe he’s just one of those guys who doesn’t respond well to power?

    • January 15, 2012 at 3:04 pm

      I would love to see The Vegan Society, but if he makes AJ shave her head I will fucking riot!

      • January 15, 2012 at 9:58 pm

        The Vegan Society…lol. “Vegan means I’m healthier than you.” He’s gonna make his society members throw cow blood at people eating at Burger King.

        • January 16, 2012 at 6:16 am

          The cow blood might be a bit too much, but if PETA can do it why can’t Daniel Bryan? Their first victim could be Alicia Fox with her fox head fur hoodie she wears. I’m surprised PETA hasn’t gotten up WWE’s ass for that.

  9. January 15, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Shaman’s Harvest :
    “I fuck on the first date.”
    That kid must have awesome/completely unfit parents.

    That photo looks so photoshopped. The color of his shirt near the letters is different than the color of the rest of his shirt. Someonne found a photo of this kid and make him and his parents look bad…I hope he doesn’t accidentally find this photo.

    • Capt. Smooth
      January 15, 2012 at 11:24 am

      I thought that might be the case.

  10. January 15, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Epico and Primo won the tag team championship! What the fuck?!

    • Capt. Smooth
      January 15, 2012 at 9:39 pm

      I just heard about it! I knew Bourne had heat, but I thought E and P would be built up a little more.

      • January 16, 2012 at 6:18 am

        That would make for an interesting segment on RAW. Titles rarely change hands at house shows so this is interesting. I’m just hearing about this now too.

        • Capt. Smooth
          January 16, 2012 at 8:50 am

          The Bellas will beat them tonight. *pause*

          • January 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

            I did read something about them doing a female tag division. I don’t think it would work though.

  11. January 15, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    Awww! Poor Blue Ball’d Meanie dude, ahaha.

    • January 16, 2012 at 6:20 am

      Lmao. Nothing wrong with being overweight, just need the self confidence to make it work. Meanie is too much of an emo loser to realize that.

      • January 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

        Blue ball’ meanie dude reminds me of that emo guy from your chatbox at therealshyt, ahahaha. Hermie!

  12. January 17, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Tony Kegger :

    Shaman’s Harvest :
    “I fuck on the first date.”
    That kid must have awesome/completely unfit parents.

    That photo looks so photoshopped. The color of his shirt near the letters is different than the color of the rest of his shirt. Someonne found a photo of this kid and make him and his parents look bad…I hope he doesn’t accidentally find this photo.

    You won this one…

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