Home > The Funniest Story Ever Told: Worse Date EVER!!!, THE INFAMOUS JCITY™ > The Funniest Story Ever Told: Worse Date EVER!!!

The Funniest Story Ever Told: Worse Date EVER!!!

[Editors Note: I did NOT write this. This story was brought to my attention a long time ago and ’til this day I still find it to be one of the most hilarious things I have ever read in my life. Enjoy.]

Alright, I don’t care if you guys believe me, but this is real. This is the most embarrassing thing that I’ve ever experienced. It was a horrible night for me and I’m sharing it with you guys because I don’t want any of my bros to have to go through this, especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea about what happened. It’s very long, but I’ll do my best to recount all of the important details. No fucking cliffhangers. Please read this to save yourself from something like this.

If you’ve followed my social anxiety thread, you would have learned that I got an Asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn’t recorded unfortunately because my camera froze), but anyway, it’s been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying and I figured that if I didn’t call her before exams were done then I wouldn’t get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well, she said yes, and we met at a campus café. We had some small talk and it went well overall. After that she said “Hey my roommate is making some Chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is coming over, would you like to come by and try some? She usually makes way more than needed”. Now at that point I felt like I had to take a shit, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity. It seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don’t crap in public toilets) and accepted her invitation.

We went back to her place, had some food (very good btw) and FUCK!… I had to take a shit really badly. I also had to take a piss really badly (I had held that too since I didn’t bring my pee bottles with me to the date). I really didn’t want to use her washroom because I didn’t want to stink the place up, but it became unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum. To make matters worse, I was actually starting to get an erection (I’m not sure why, but that’s what happened). So I rushed to the washroom and thus began the worst possible scenario imaginable.

I pull down my pants, step up to the toilet, and I’m then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to badly take BOTH a pee AND a poo AND I have an erection. What the fuck do I do? Which do I do first??

So, I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the toilet, but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine I feel a turd start to come out at the same time!

So, then I’m like “fuck this, I’ll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out”. So I sit on the john, grasp my penis hard in order to try and stop the pee and I then tried to let the crap come out. That didn’t work so well.

 As I relaxed my anal sphincters, my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor. I started panicking at this point, so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in I tried to take a piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partly on the back rim and partly on the floor.

I then closed everything off again (you can’t imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have to go so badly). WTF was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor, then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:

I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there. I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting shit on her floor.

At that point things get even worse…

The turd wouldn’t fucking dissolve and the damn bitch was asking me WTF I was doing showering in her washroom.

I then answered “Yea, lol, I’m showering, is that ok?”

She says: What the hell? Why?? You don’t think we’re having sex do you???

At this point I couldn’t even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) said: Yes we are, lol.

She then gets mad and says: WTF, is this some kind of joke? Get out of there!!

I said: No please, don’t come in. I’m not done yet.

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my shit was releasing shit smelling vapors all over the room and it was pretty rancid. The girl could smell it and she said: “Why the hell does it smell so fucking bad? What the hell are you doing in there???”

I said: Please don’t come in. Trust me. You’ll regret it.

She said: Fuck this. Get out now or I’m unlocking the door.

I beg her not to, but she loses her patience and opened the door. She stopped dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass, large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the toilet. I was so fucking embarrassed. I started shivering. She looked at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers… “WTF did you do???” She then started to cry. I hesitate for a bit and I tried to explain myself. I said, “I tried my best … I… I’m sorry”. She then flipped out and told me to clean up the mess or she was going to call the cops. I agreed to do it.

She leaves, and I grabbed some toilet paper. I picked up the turds from the floor and bathtub, tossed them in the toilet and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water, and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and sprayed some into the bathtub to get rid of the odor. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP ended up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor. I’m literally crying at that point. I looked for the plunger, but I couldn’t find it, so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet. I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf and my girl, well she was still crying. As soon as she saw me she told me to GTFO. I tried to explain that the toilet was clogged, but she didn’t let me. She said she felt threatened and she wanted me out now. She then grabbed a knife from the drawer and told me to leave again. I left.

About a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrassment.

All of this could have fucking been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that showed interest in me and I have to go and shit and pee in her bathtub???? This is fucking retarded (yes I’m mad). 

To all you people saying “Peeing in bottles is stupid/gross”,  well fuck that. Not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disasters like this one.

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle; I would have sat on the toilet and then simultaneously peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster, no mess, and none of this would have happened.

Anyway, should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? Maybe to apologize/explain myself? Or should I just hope I never run into her again?

  1. Crazy Train
    January 26, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    It was an ok story. No offense, but if a girl asks me to her house and I have to shit…guess what, I’m taking a shit in the public bathroom. Even when a girl says sex is out of the picture….sex is STILL in the picture.

  2. January 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    I can never read this without laughing out loud. The first time I read it I almost cried because I found it to be the funniest thing ever. Maybe I’m just immature and easily amused by thoughts of peeing and shitting up someone’s bathroom while on a date, but I can’t be the only one, right?

    • Crazy Train
      January 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm

      Its funny but if you want to see fuuny you need to check out Impracticle Jokers on TruTV. Now thats funny.

    • Crazy Train
      January 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

      I laughed at some parts, but some of it was hard to believe.

      • January 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

        I fucking LOVE that show. New one comes on tonight. I have it set up on my DVR so I can watch that, Unsupervised which come on FX and Jersey Shore after Impact Wrestling.

        • Crazy Train
          January 27, 2012 at 9:11 am

          Dont get me started on Jersey Shore. I think this season is the last. ITs a lot better than last season but truthfully its getting played out.

          • January 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm

            I doubt MTV gets rid of Jersey Shore. If they do anything it would be change the cast up. It’s better than The Real World, now that’s a show that is now played out even though I still enjoy it and the challenges.

        • Crazy Train
          January 27, 2012 at 9:13 am

          The one that had me laughing the most was when they had to show the aprtment. Whatever they make Sal do ALWAYS gets me going.

          • January 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

            Ha, that one was great. Mostly all of the bits are hilarious, Last week’s punishment where the guy had to open the bathroom door in a packed coffee shop while sitting on a toilet and scream for toilet paper was funny as fuck.

  3. January 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    RealShyt Flashback!!!!

  4. Case
    January 26, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    What the hell did I just read?

  5. January 26, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    I remeber this. Some vintage John Cena poop humor.

  6. Capt. Smooth
    January 26, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Classic JCity!

  7. January 26, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    This can’t be a real story. You can’t piss with an erect penis. Try getting a boner and then taking a piss. It’s not possible.

    • Capt. Smooth
      January 26, 2012 at 7:59 pm

      I wonder how you know. lol

      • January 26, 2012 at 8:46 pm

        Real or not this shit was fucking hilarious and you can piss with a hard on. It’s uncomfortable, but it can be done.

  8. January 26, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    Tony Kegger :
    This can’t be a real story. You can’t piss with an erect penis. Try getting a boner and then taking a piss. It’s not possible.

    Of course It’s possible.

  9. Rob
    January 26, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Lol, this was great and the pictures are too damn funny.

  10. January 27, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Capt. Smooth :
    I wonder how you know. lol

    I learned it in high school biology class. My teacher told the class a story about a kid who called 911 because he was trying to pee but couldn’t. When the people got to the house, they found out the reason why he couldn’t pee was because he had a boner.

    • January 27, 2012 at 1:19 pm

      I’ve done it trust me it’s possible. Go get hard and pee to see for yourself then tell us what happened. Try not to spray it everywhere though.

      • Capt. Smooth
        January 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm

        Somebody should check out some pissing porn to see if it can happen. No, I’m not going to do it.

  11. January 27, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    Or just get hard and try it yourself. Fuck it I’ll do it later and report back.

    • Capt. Smooth
      January 28, 2012 at 10:47 am

      I’ll take your word for it, so there’s need for pics or videos. lol

  12. January 28, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    THE INFAMOUS JCITY™ :
    Or just get hard and try it yourself. Fuck it I’ll do it later and report back.

    Here’s a link: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiQYul.OmdprCMkpb2bvh20jzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20100209112349AAQeYJk

    I also found this link that has good information but it is NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

    http://www.sexhax.com/peeing.html

    • Capt. Smooth
      January 28, 2012 at 3:11 pm

      Classic stuff!

    • January 28, 2012 at 7:08 pm

      Lol. Hard to tell if they are serious or if they are just fucking around.

      • Capt. Smooth
        January 28, 2012 at 8:35 pm

        It doesn’t shock me. With so many “virginity only” homes, people don’t learn.

  13. January 29, 2012 at 12:38 am

    Lmao.

    • Capt. Smooth
      January 29, 2012 at 10:56 am

      Well, it’s true! Many Evangelical Christians don’t even teach their teens what to do and just tell them to “save it for when you get married”.

      • January 29, 2012 at 11:48 am

        Like Tim Tebow?

        • Capt. Smooth
          January 29, 2012 at 2:00 pm

          Yup!

          • January 29, 2012 at 9:50 pm

            Tim Tebow turned down Kim Kardashian because of her sex tape and two failed marriages. She’s the anti-Tebow.

            • Capt. Smooth
              January 29, 2012 at 9:51 pm

              And I’d much rather do her.

  14. January 29, 2012 at 11:49 am

    THE INFAMOUS JCITY™ :
    Lol. Hard to tell if they are serious or if they are just fucking around.

    The Church question looks fake. I wish just one of them are real…that would make it really funny.

  15. February 5, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    To be honest dudes, I miss the real shyt! 😦

    • Capt. Smooth
      February 5, 2012 at 6:48 pm

      Yeah, I do too, but this site has allowed J to reach a bigger audience, plus it’s a damn good one.

  16. February 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    What do you miss about it? I do the same minus the caps and with less nudes…

    • Capt. Smooth
      February 6, 2012 at 5:48 am

      Nudes, but I’m glad they’re not up front(you have to click), so i don’t get into trouble while at work. 🙂

      • February 6, 2012 at 7:16 pm

        There were never nudes up front… ok maybe once or twice but that’s it.

        • February 6, 2012 at 8:45 pm

          Idk, I think it was just the hostile environment… It was a lot more in your face. But I understand this allows for you to reach more dudes and have more followers so I’m for it 🙂

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