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WrestleMania 28 Match Preview: Team Johnny vs Team Teddy by Shaman’s Harvest

WrestleMania 28 Match Preview: Team Johnny vs Team Teddy by Shaman’s Harvest


Ok, so how has everyone been doing? I know I haven’t been around too much lately, but neither has any other writer on this site, and that’s basically because I’ve been bored with wrestling; especially Smackdown, to the point where I only watch it so I can tweet Booker T’s FAVE FIVE to all 840 of my adoring fans, but honestly, if I can be serious for a moment, this site has gone up in flames faster than the fucking Hindenburg, something has to be done before JCITY’s heart gives out or his liver fails from all the booze and Mass Effect 3. So I decided that it’s Wrestlemania season and it’s time to get some content back up. Hopefully JCITY will get in the Wrestlemania mood soon and come up with some Rock trashing columns.

As you all know, Team Teddy vs Team Johnny is one of the premiere matches on the WrestleMania 28 card. The results of this 6 on 6 Tag Team Match, which I’m assuming is elimination style, determines who runs both Raw and Smackdown. Your choices are John Lauranaitis, a well documented ass kisser with throat cancer, who instead of doing his job, tweets on this phone all day (no, he’s not texting) as the well-known parody account, Cranky Vince. The other option is a 65-year-old perverted Teddy Long, who instead of doing his job, has affairs with his employees.

Neither man is fit to run both shows in my opinion, but if I had to pick one, I’d go with Johnny Ace, as Teddy has shown throughout his career he couldn’t even manage ECW without an assistant while Vickie was running both shows.

But what’s important is the teams. Teams win matches, it’s a proven theory. Right now, each team has 3 members, with 3 remaining options. I’ll analyze each member than give some predictions on who I think will join each jobber squad.


Captain: David Otunga

I’m an Otunga fan. I think him and Lauraniatis bring a unique type of natural comedy, which differs from so many other comedy types. While he’s not the best in the ring, his position as a Captain actually makes sense, as his complex Harvard mind will probably come up with a plan for success that I can not even begin to contemplate nor comprehend.

Mark Henry

Henry’s going to eat a few guys. First he’ll rinse them with his obsessive sweating issue, then he’ll marinate them with fear, add a little bit of JR’s Chipotle Ketchup, then eat two or three Teddier’s before being kicked out of the ring that is his dinning room by the last few members of Team Teddy in a group effort.


Christian’s the All-Star of the entire match so far. He adds creditability and a big time feel to this match just with his presence alone. Even though every time he comes back I hope that he’ll be a face, because that’s who I love him as (PAUSE), he’ll be a big member of that match and make Team Johnny the favourite (yep, CANADIAN spelling, because that’s how he’d spell it).

Now for the final three,
Who will they be?
I won’t make you wait and see,
So just keep reading and follow me.

Drew McIntyre

The rest of Team Johnny isn’t too hard to predict. I think Drew’s an obvious choice by the way Teddy’s been treating him lately. Technically, it doesn’t make much sense because he loses all the time, but I won’t argue with Drew McIntyre being in WrestleMania.

Dolph Ziggler

No one can debate that Ziggler’s one of the best wrestlers in the WWE and deserves to be in this match. While I’m not a huge fan of his other qualities, he’ll be able to carry the work load in the match and add more credibility too it. He’s had issues with other members of Team Teddy, so he’s pretty much a guaran-damn-tee to be a member of Team Johnny. In the end he’ll ask Santino how it feels to have your ass kicked my a man wearing pink compression shorts, too.

Jack Swagger

You can’t have any Zig-Zag without some Swag (you loved that line). Swagger will likely round it out as the final member of Team Johnny. Out of both teams I predicted, I’m pretty sure this one is closest to what Team Johnny will actually turn out to be.


Captain: Santino

The Captain of Team Teddy is Santino…just Santino, because I don’t think he uses his last name anymore. Oh well. So honestly, Teddy Long couldn’t have picked a worse team Captain if he picked Aksana to lead the damn thing. Santino’s recent push is basically Randy Orton’s fault, because if he had a stronger skull he would’ve been in that Elimination Chamber Match and Santino would have never been seen. Unfortunately, that’s not how it worked out. Santino will likely provide no real leadership, hit someone with his little sock puppet, then be eliminated with a big OH HAYELL NO from Booker T.

R. Truth

Truth’s been going downhill ever since he turned face. He’s a decent member to the team, but will likely be on the receiving end of a World’s Strongest Slam.

Kofi Kingston

Another generic face. Since Kofi and Teddy are both nice black guys, it only makes sense that they’re best of friends and that Kofi will give up his life to save Teddy’s job. Is that the way it goes? I don’t know, I would have to assume so. Needless to say, he’ll do what he does every week, with some extra flash. He would have been much better in a MITB match.

Now there are 3 possibilities left, and I think my next three will be a mix of who I think will be on the team, and who I think would be a nice surprise.

Zack Ryder

It’s pretty much a given at this point that he’ll be added next week. Getting Ryder on team Teddy was even a number one trend on Twitter recently. Ryder needs something to do, and will likely be a good addition to an already comedy filled team.

John Morrison

This is a long shot, but when John Morrison left WWE, he was fired on-screen by John Lauraniatis after a big loss to The Miz. Morrison didn’t leave because WWE didn’t want him anymore, he left because he needed time off to heal past injuries and work on his skills, he’s even been taking improv classes! Morrison returning as a part of Team Teddy to get his job back and get Johnny Ace out as GM would be a great WrestleMania treat.

The Miz

The Miz’ career has gone down the toilet faster than Evan Bourne’s Spice when WWE Wellness knocks on his door. He hasn’t won a match in quite a while and was recently denied a chance to be on Team Johnny. The Miz could pull a John Cena at Survivor Series 03 and join a team that doesn’t match his alignment. The Miz has been in need of a face turn for a while, and the best way to do that is to get him on Team Teddy to shine, then let that preppy lil bastard run off and talk to anyone willing to stick a mic in his face.

So that’s my final team selection for Team Teddy: Santino, Truth, Kofi, Ryder, Morrison, and Miz. It’s a long shot no doubt, but I think it would be pretty cool… but I’m probably wrong and the team will end up being rounded out by the likes of Khali, Hornswoggle, and Ezekiel Jackson.

There you have it, my Team Teddy (Santino, R Truth, Kofi Kingston, Zack Ryder, John Morrison & The Miz) and my Team Johnny (David Otunga, Mark Henry, Christian, Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, and Jack Swagger). I’d be very surprised if Johnny Ace didn’t pick up this win. At this point, he’s definitely the more entertaining of the two GM’s. Teddy’s had a great run as GM (he started in 2004), and has provided us with some entertaining moments. I think this match will mark the end of Teddy’s career. Now he can pack it up, move to California, and spend the rest of his days in awkward sexual situations with Aksana… even though he’s stated on TV before that he has a family. Better call Cena’s divorce lawyer for double duty.

Ok, thanks everyone, leave your comments about how you see Team Teddy vs Team Johny playing out. Are you excited? Do you not care? Do you hate Santino? Are you buying Wrestlemania? Stealing it? Reading about it on a forum like Captain Fucking Smooth there? Please tell all, and until next time, I will see you all later.

  1. March 18, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Nice to see your work up, Shaman!

    Funny enough, I think John L did actually have throat cancer a number of years ago, not sure if it’s true, though. I agree with all of your next 3 picks for team John L. However, I really can’t see how WWE can turn Miz face. As much as I hate Miz, I think WWE have something big planned for him. I have a feeling he’ll get involved with Rock and Cena. In someway that it won’t hurt the match as it’s been promoted for the last year. Miz has lost I think 10 straight weeks in a row now.

    Nice column, Shaman. Nice humour but also added with seriousness.

  2. March 18, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Going up in flames? Why? Because I don’t update daily? Well excuse me for having a life. I don’t need to ever write again and I’ll still get more hits than people who actively blog everyday so whatever. I also don’t even drink heavily to have any liver failure, so that assumption is a failure within itself. And why would I trash The Rock? Sure I’ve done so in the past, but not because I planned it, it just came out that way.

    As for WrestleMania 28, I’m not feeling it this year. This is the worst match on the card right next to Big Show vs Cody Rhodes. This is WWE’s way of giving all the jobbers/midcarders something to do at Mania since there is no MITB at the event. It’s just a glorified Raw match that will get Smackdown time. Boring. I really don’t give a crap who the GM is and both Captains are my most hated wresters at the moment so there’s that too. Last year’s Mania was weaksauce so I don’t think I’ll be spending another $60 on this year’s event. I might just go over someone else’s house to watch this, if I even bother with it that is.

    • March 19, 2012 at 10:24 am

      I would love to see JCITY post his thoughts on the Rock-Cena promo battles. I would say The Rock is killing him. The only reason it is even close is because Vince told Rock to write notes on his wrist so Cena had some material to beat like a dead horse every week.

      • March 19, 2012 at 7:45 pm

        Both of them are slinging immature elementary school yard insults at each other and I am not amused by either one. Rock’s talking points are redundant and idiotic. He has nothing against Cena. Calling him a Fruity Pebble does nothing considering Cena doesn’t even wear colorful shirts anymore. Kung Pao bitch? Blah. Asking Vince to make Cena come out using his rapper gimmick just so he could deliver his lame Vanilla Ice joke, lame. Purple tellituby? Really? That amuses the fans huh? Wow. Cena hasn’t worn purple in how long? Yup, great zinger Rock, you’re insults are all dated therefore they are all null and void. Cena has exposed Rock for the weak promo guy that he is. Rock talks loud therefore commands more attention, but all he does is use simple insults. He’s nothing but a bully yet he’s a face? Fans are stupider than I thought. Not even wasting my time writing a column on it. For what? To further promote WWE? I’m not getting paid so FUCK WWE!

        • Nameless Cunt
          March 20, 2012 at 8:22 am

          Aww, JCITY is a sensitive baby. Lot of big talk coming from someone with a GED. You have barely over 200,000 hits. Nobody cares about you except a select few lovers and haters.

          You mean nothing.

          • March 20, 2012 at 11:11 am

            Speaking of juvenile insults *rolls eyes*… I’m stating facts, so how’s that being sensitive? I also have a High School Diploma (my mind is like a N9ne, I load it up with knowledge. I might have a bad attitude, but I’m far from stupid), not a GED unlike yourself (and what’s wrong with a GED? Some people have to get it how they live, circumstances can be a bitch, damn you’re one ignorant motherfucker), but quite frankly, that is none of your goddamn business. Stop trying to make up stuff about me just because you have nothing on me. It’s sad. And 42,000 is barely? I know sites that have been around for years that aren’t even past 40,000 but so fucking what? I’m not even paying attention to that shit so thanks for keeping track of my every move for me. My life doesn’t start or end with how many blog hits I get, so at the end of the day those numbers are irrelevant, but its more hits than you got so STFU. If you add up all my site hits (I have 3) plus social media outlets (I’m on more than a few), I’ve been viewed well over a million times throughout the years (and that’s only online. I can easily just walk away from all of this and still be perfectly fine since I have plenty of friends and haters in real life so you aint really saying nothing – I still got love for all my virtual homies online though [||]Pause…), so put my dick in your mouth because its fuck what you say.

            Now get off my dick. Thanks.

            • Nameless Cunt
              March 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

              Says the nobody that is obsessed with putting his dick in men’s mouths. Also having 2 shitty sites doesn’t mean much if you don’t update them.

              You’re not even a drop in the bucket. You’re pathetic.

              • March 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm

                It’s a figure of speech. You would know it if you had a single shred of intelligence in your genes, which is evidently lacking from your repertoire. The sites I’ve made are better than any bullshit you can come up with, so until you can come up with something better, which gets more hits, you’re in no position to have an opinion on what makes a site work. And why the hell should I update daily? For stupid hating ass bitches like you? Nope. Fuck you. I don’t need to do anything and you still come here time and time again like a fiend looking for his next high. Plus this site does get updated. Not as often as I would like, but then again I have more important shit to deal with than anonymous twats online who have nothing better to do than talk shit for no reason. Sorry if you think online presence is what makes a person who they are. I know there are writers online who live and die for the online fame and/or feedback (mainly in the IWC), but I’m not one of them. It’s not that serious. It’s just a hobby, which becomes less fun when I constantly have to deal with morons like you. Don’t get it twisted, I will always be the larger than life asshole people love to hate regardless of the platform… and I think it might be time for me to change that platform just so I don’t have to deal with faggots like you.

                Keep on hating though. While you bitch and complain about site quality, updates, and/or stats, you are here, probably everyday, reading, commentating, lurking, riding my dick like an obsessed little cum starved bitch. It doesn’t even get me mad if that’s what you’re aiming for. I just laugh at your stupidity while I keep doing what I do.

                • Rob
                  March 20, 2012 at 5:41 pm

                  Hey J, just ban the prick and get it over with.

  3. March 18, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    WrestleMania 28 will be totally epic dude! The Marine vs. The Tooth Fairy in a battle to the death! The loser will get eaten alive by sharks for our viewing enjoyment! Totally.Epic.Dude.

    Oh and I don’t think this site has gone up in flames dude. But if by flames you mean this is the hottest place on the interwebs, then we flaming! ahaha.

  4. TKO
    March 18, 2012 at 9:46 pm

    Pretty good shit

    I’ll say after loosing so much, drew adds nothing to the match. He’s dvd battle royal material. I say surprise us with alberto. And for teddy, replace morrison with rey and I like the match more. Either way I bet 5 minutes in everyone will hit their finisher and it’ll be over. One fall finish bs

    The card looks unbalanced. Cody vs show? Shouldn’t they just be in the match we are talkin about? Less matches mean more time dedicated to real matches. We know taker vs hhh and rock vs cena are 30 minute programs after entrances and pre match video. I don’t want sheamus vs dbryan to be a wm 22 title match (rey,anglec,orton and ony 10 mins) treat it like a major title. This would be the ideal card with 15-20 min matches

    Rock vs cena
    Taker vs hhh (don’t care but make it epic)
    Jericho vs punk
    Sheamus vs dbryan
    Kane vs orton (hey I wana see orton at mania)
    Team christian vs team whoever

    Id be happy with that

    • Capt. Smooth
      March 19, 2012 at 5:52 am

      You have to put in smaller matches to cool down the crowd, so they don’t suffer from burnout.

      • March 19, 2012 at 8:15 am

        This is what I’m hoping won’t happen, they’ll be huge spots from Taker-HHH, Rock-Cena and Punk-Jericho. Orton-Kane, Bryan-Sheamus will have to be just okay matches IMO.

      • TKO
        March 19, 2012 at 9:48 am

        You’re right but it sure hurts the overall score. Good promos, hof respect, ect should fill in. I like elimination chamber and mitb for these reasons. 2 quality title matches and 2 quality ladder matches, maybe some filler. Mania has never been a 10 to me but why not. Kane vs orton don’t sound shocking but make it 15 mins and it can be memorable. Daniel bryan has clawed and scratched to the top to be dethrowned in 10 mins? Wonder who gets the mania special this year? (The ridiculously short match) maybe cody runs into a punch or dbryan gets owned in 1 min…I fear only 2 matches wil go past 15 mins

        • Capt. Smooth
          March 19, 2012 at 7:44 pm

          There is still plenty of chances for big spots.

          • March 19, 2012 at 7:48 pm

            Of course there will be big spots. This is WrestleMania we’re talking about. I’m sure Rock vs Cena and Triple H vs Taker will be the best matches on the card and nothing else will even come close.

  5. Capt. Smooth
    March 19, 2012 at 5:53 am

    I can see Brodus Clay going on Team Teddy. I would dig the Morrison return.

    • March 19, 2012 at 7:49 pm

      Brodus Clay? Why not? The team is a joke as it is anyways. Kofi deserves better than this shit.

      • Capt. Smooth
        March 19, 2012 at 7:56 pm

        Actually, it is a good way to get extra people a payday.

        • March 19, 2012 at 8:07 pm

          They get paid year round so that shouldn’t be an issue. The extra Mania payday should only go to the elite Superstars and those who have vastly improved throughout the year, not a bunch of jobbers.

          • Capt. Smooth
            March 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm

            I don’t see too many jobbers.

            • March 19, 2012 at 8:17 pm

              Are you blind?

              • Capt. Smooth
                March 19, 2012 at 8:21 pm

                No. Henry isn’t. Kofi isn’t. Santino isn’t(anymore). Otunga is getting a push. Christian isn’t. Del Rio isn’t. Truth isn’t.

                • March 19, 2012 at 8:25 pm

                  Otunga is a jobber. Santino is a glorified jobber who’s getting a push because of the pops he gets. Just because he has a title doesn’t make him credible or even a midcarder, HE’S A GODDAMN JOBBER!!!!!!!

                  • Capt. Smooth
                    March 19, 2012 at 8:28 pm

                    Wrong! Santino is over like a rover and belongs in WM. Otunga, less so, but he is getting over with the smark crowd.

                    • March 19, 2012 at 8:32 pm

                      Over with the crowd and pushes as a result have no bearings on win loss records or the fact that they are jobbers. Santino can only beat other jobbers and can’t beat a formidable foe without shenanigans. Otunga sucks in the ring and is only good as Johnny Ace’s bitch. No matter how you paint it, they are both jobbers. It’s only a matter of time before they both fall back into the obscurity that is Superstars.

  6. March 19, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Miz won’t be on the team and JoMo ain’t coming back. I predict Rey Mysterio and The Great Khali for the final two spots.

  7. March 19, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Alan :
    WrestleMania 28 will be totally epic dude! The Marine vs. The Tooth Fairy in a battle to the death!

    No it’s The Marine vs. Luke Hobbs!

  8. Rob
    March 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Too bad there won’t be a Sin Cara vs Rey Mysterio match like originally planned.

    • March 19, 2012 at 7:52 pm

      That match would have been a botchfest. While I like Sin Cara’s style and think he would be great if he fine tuned his moves, he’s too much of a viability for me to even consider bringing him back up to the main roster without a few months of development, but that’s just me.

  9. Capt. Smooth
    March 19, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    ALERT!!!: My cousin will be on Jeopardy tomorrow. His name is Vince.

  10. March 19, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    In other news, my laptop battery won’t hold a charge (FUCK!) and my charger only keeps the laptop on but doesn’t charge the battery (DOUBLE FUCK!) so I’m taking my laptop in sometime this week to get the issues fixed for free before my insurance runs out. In other words, I might not be online for a while if they decide to keep the laptop until they have all the parts I need. I’m sure no one will even notice my absence. Might just get a iPad 3 and call it a day…

    • Capt. Smooth
      March 19, 2012 at 8:27 pm

      Good luck!

      • March 19, 2012 at 8:34 pm

        It’s only a battery, it’s not like I’m worried about an upcoming AIDS test result or anything, lol. Hopefully they can just give me what I need on the spot and not have to hold my shit like they always end up doing.

        • Capt. Smooth
          March 19, 2012 at 8:39 pm

          Well, I just know how annoying it can be when shit breaks.

  11. Capt. Smooth
    March 19, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Over with the crowd and pushes as a result have no bearings on win loss records or the fact that they are jobbers. Santino can only beat other jobbers and can’t beat a formidable foe without shenanigans. Otunga sucks in the ring and is only good as Johnny Ace’s bitch. No matter how you paint it, they are both jobbers. It’s only a matter of time before they both fall back into the obscurity that is Superstars.

    Embrace the love.

    • March 20, 2012 at 11:15 am

      Fake Kane? I always wondered what happened to you!

    • Tony Kegger
      March 20, 2012 at 5:19 pm

      @capt. smooth I arrived to my vacation safely. been here for about 14 hours. do the math and you’ll realize im far away from chicago. sorry but i missed your cousin jeopardy. ill youtube it.

  12. Capt. Smooth
    March 20, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    TKO and JCity, thought you two might get a kick out of this. It’s comment number 643.


  13. March 21, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    It’s true though. That would have been the perfect theme for him to use.

    • Capt. Smooth
      March 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm

      I saw it and marked out!

  14. Tony Kegger
    March 22, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Sheamus’s home, fella.

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